I've been trying to track down the lesser spotted life form so that I may better study its environment, learn its rituals and, if possible, make actual physical contact.
I'm convinced that there are at least two nests within the family home. Research to date suggests the lesser spotted life form to be, primarily, a nocturnal creature, though they do seem to leave the nest reluctantly each day to attend school.
Following the trail of two-minute noodle packets, dirty dishes and empty cans of energy drinks, I have come to the conclusion this elusive critter can feed multiple times during the night.
It appears to be quite social in nature. Although I can barely get two words out of it, through the night I am woken several times by its constant chatter - though it appears to be a one-way conversation. I wonder if maybe it suffers from a mental illness or perhaps it believes it has an imaginary friend.
Having managed to locate one nest, I find it to be a dark space, messy and airless despite the presence of adequate ventilation if required. Despite its musty habitat, the LSLF will regularly leave the nest to shower and body sprays and hair straighteners are evidence that preening rituals of some description do take place - that and half a load of laundry dumped unceremoniously into the washing machine every afternoon.
The absence of a litter box suggests that the nest's occupier is, thankfully, toilet trained. These bathroom breaks, however, are seldom witnessed ... a raised loo seat and dripping tap are your only clues.
The creature is more intelligent than first thought. Reclusive by nature, it will, without warning, grace you with its presence. You find yourself caught off guard and the shock sighting results in you meeting any demands placed upon you - a ride here, a pick-up there, a new pair of shoes for school.
Then, as soon as you've served your purpose, this manipulative creature of prey retreats back to its nest.
My research shows that they do enjoy the company of their own species and, if supplied with enough technology to cater to their cyber cravings, they can co-habit quite amicably for short periods of time.
The computer, at the centre of the nest, would have me and the LSLF believe he has 237 friends. He hasn't met at least 200 of them ... I've met even fewer.
These "friends" don't call, visit or come for sleep-overs. They are mere images and words on a screen. Even the photos are no guarantee that they are who they say they are.
It's like living a perpetual Halloween. As parents, we teach our kids never to talk to strangers - let alone take candy from them - then for one day a year, we happily send them off and even encourage them to literally beg for it, door-knocking complete strangers.
But this cyber world isn't just one day a year, it's all day, every day. Our kids are blindly being befriended by god knows who, from god knows where.
They live under the same roof as us, yet some parents are seeing less of their kids than ever before. We text them from the kitchen to let them know dinner is ready; for their safety, we replace going to live gigs with unlimited gigs and think they are out of harm's way.
Like any other parent, all I ever wanted was to raise "well- rounded" children. These days that phrase sounds more like a politically correct description of a fat kid.
We've all heard of identity theft but, if we're not careful, our kids will have their identity swallowed up and defined by the internet. Find a way to draw them from the nest more often. They may bite the hand that feeds them, but any real contact is better than none.
Should you wish to contact me, ironically, you can email me, investik8@gmail.com
Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently trying to track down her life forms ... er, children.
