There's a question mark over Census

Questions, we ask them every day and we get asked them every day.

Anyone can ask a question, right? We ask them in order to get answers. Answers allow us to gain information and arm ourselves with knowledge. Pretty basic stuff, or is it?

To get the best and most accurate answer, you need to ask not just any question, but the right question. Professional interrogators, for example, are trained in techniques that ensure they elicit the right information.

Parents often need to call on a similar skill set. I've tried many methods with my life forms. Getting any response, beyond a grunt, from a teenager is much like pulling teeth, painful to say the least.

You could always arm yourself with pliers and actually threaten to extract teeth in order to extract answers. I prefer heat lamps and the trusty bamboo shoots under the fingernails, though power prices are making me rethink the lamps. Sensory deprivation is just too time consuming, so don't even go there.

The most reliable method is tech deprivation. Just minutes without texting, game consoles and social networking will have your teen singing like a bird and if the truth be told it's probably just as effective on a large percentage of the adult population too.

Of course such drastic measures are not always necessary, with most people only too happy to answer any questions asked of them. The exception would of course be politicians, who have made an art form out of responding to every question without actually answering them.

So is it any real surprise that the recent government Census, in my opinion, asks all the wrong questions. A prime example is all the questions pertaining to dwellings, when we don't even have the space, tradespeople or the dosh to build the bloody things where they are most needed in the first place?

So I felt it was my duty to place before you my own census, where I not only ask the real questions but also provide the most suitable responses for you to consider. It didn't help that I never received any Census forms of my own, so rather than feeling like I had missed out I got creative.

Multiple answers are welcome on all questions so please tick all the options that apply to you.

1. Which of the following can you afford to do right now?

Fill a prescription - Fill a tooth - Fill the car - Fill a supermarket trolley with groceries - Fill a nappy.

2. Free suggests without cost. Which of the following are actually free?

Free education - Free Radicals - Freeview - Free Willy - Free Parking.

3. Which of the following do you believe have become over-inflated?

House prices - Food prices - Fuel prices - Local Rates - Politician's egos - Breast implants.

4. Which of the following are you most concerned about?

Saving for retirement - Saving the whale - Saving Private Ryan - Saving room for dessert.

5. Government needs to invest more money and resources into dealing with?

Violent crime - Violent weather events - Violent diarrhoea.

6. The greatest failure of our education system is?

A lack of basic literacy - High class numbers - Hekia Parata - Novopay.

7. New Zealand is best served by which party?

National Party - Labour Party - Dinner Party - Hen's Party.

8. The Government needs to do more to prevent people?

Leaving the country - Leaving with Golden handshakes - Leaving school without NCEA - Leaving the cat out at night - Leaving stupid messages on Facebook.

9. Government needs new legislation to protect New Zealander's from?

Telecom - Teleports - Telemarketers - Telly Tubbies.

10. The current government will best be remembered for?

Running a tight ship - Running the country into the ground - Running their own agenda - Running a half marathon.

Please submit your completed Census to investik8@gmail.com . All submitted entries automatically qualifies you to go in the draw for the upcoming customary rights to thunderbolts and lightening, snow and rainfall. Thank you for your participation. The winner will be notified by a standard breach of confidentiality.

Well, I guess that's me for another week. Keep the feedback coming, I love it all, the good and the bad. As always, smile loudly.

Waffle's Bone of Contention

The jury selection process. It needs an overhaul. Considering the impact of a verdict, it is our duty to ensure that this so called "jury of your peers" actually has a required minimum level of intelligence. It's frightening when you think about it.