The tantrum survival guide

IT IS interesting how many conversations we have with parents about tantrums. It is reassuring for parents to know that it can be a normal part of their child's development and that there are some tried and true strategies that will help them through the journey.

Tantrums are often really challenging for parents so it's always good to remember a few important tips.

-Try to stay calm, getting angry yourself doesn't help.

-Most small children have tantrums - they are a natural part of growing up.

-Tantrums are caused by frustration and stress that children can't deal with. Often they happen because children can't express themselves using words, or they are tired, hungry, bored, uncomfortable or over-stimulated.

-You can help your child learn how to manage their feelings by ignoring tantrums.

It is almost impossible to stop a tantrum once it gets going, but sometimes you can stop them happening by:

-trying not to rush things;

-not giving too many choices;

-doing something relaxing together like going for a walk or reading a book;

-letting your child know there is going to be a change coming up - for example when it's almost time to go home.

When they're in full flight make sure your child is safe, stay near and carry on with other things.

-Don't talk to them, reason with them or discipline them. It's hard, but don't pay any attention to them.

-Show that you're not upset. Although you might be feeling really angry, try not to show it.

-If they are in danger of hurting themselves, move them to a safer place. If you're in a shop, leave the shopping and go to a quiet place.

When they calm down, comfort them, but don't give in to the demands they were making before they had the tantrum. Praise them for calming down.

Other strategies:

-Think about when tantrums happen. Is it just before dinner? Your child might be hungry, or they might be tired and want reassurance, just when you're busy with something else.

-If the supermarket is a really difficult time, change the time you go, think about shopping without your child, or buy a bread roll or apple that they can chew on as you go. If they're being good, tell them and give them a little treat at the end.

-Practise turning a "no" into a "yes". Instead of saying "no you can't have that", say "yes, you can, but once we get home".

-Give choices that are realistic. Instead of asking them which shirt they want to wear, give them a choice of two.

Remember that tantrums aren't bad behaviour, they're small child overload. Most children have them, many have them once a week and some have one a day.

Talk to other people who know your child, or who have had similar experiences with their children. This could be a friend, someone from your child's early childhood centre, or other parents.

Parents and families need to be consistent about managing behaviour. Talk about what's happening and agree on how you will manage your child's tantrums.

And remember that it will get easier!

- SKIP has more helpful strategies for dealing with tricky behaviours in our free Parenting resource Tips for Under Fives - the Tricky Bits. Contact Liza and Lynette at skipwhanganui@xtra.co.nz or text/ph 027 626 1404.