The hassles of being a news junkie

Chris Northover PHOTO/FILE

Generally it is not a good thing to be a junkie.

But we are unashamed of it. We are "news junkies". But we are discerning when it comes to what we watch. We particularly like the international news. We record our news so that we can fast forward through ads, and of course, the "police news"; every grimy deed done by every grimy lowlife that was dumb enough to get caught infests our TV. I have wondered if the police have a special unit devoted to providing TV with "Police News". They could provide the Stations with all they need, 24/7, if necessary.

This would have the multiple benefits of keeping the public worried and insecure*, as well as making it easier to get funding when Police budget time comes around, together with employing fewer costly journalists.

Watching "the news" for us this way lasted only about 10 minutes but wasn't keeping us informed on world events, so we needed to go further afield. The BBC World news on TV One was good. It was up to date with what was happening around the world, and only slightly biased. We used to record it at 3AM and watch it the following evening while it was still fresh. I know, I know, we could have paid for a Sky subscription, but we're from a generation that expects its news for free. But then suddenly, BBC World stopped being broadcast on TV One.

I was disappointed and wrote to TV One, and four days later I had a reply: they said how mortified they were about this oversight. The programmer responsible was being sent to Invercargill for retraining. Any further failure to conform she would go to Palmerston North. A Ministerial inquiry was being set up to ensure this sort of calamity could not occur again. The resulting report would probably live on through history as the "Northover Report". The letter went on further in this vein. I was smugly tidying it for filing when a dog-eared yellow sticky fluttered to the floor.

It read: "Sen dis moahning ol farte da BBC leta". .

I jest. What the letter really said was (paraphrased) don't be so mingy. If you want to see decent news, you'll just have to buy a Sky subscription. We are in the business of making money, not of providing free services to the likes of you, mate. And, anyway, what's wrong with hours and hours of "tasteful" American Infomercials?*

Now the man cave loves a challenge, so I modified a satellite dish so it points at two satellites, and went on a six-month course to learn to programme it*. That brought us a whole lot more free channels, several in English. We could receive Russia Today, NHK (Japan) both in English and worthwhile, and some others. But no BBC World. So I bought an Internet TV set top box, and connected it to our internet.

Another pile of new "free" channels, and BBC World. Bliss! Except that the BBC channel went dead a few weeks later. Possibly due to MI6 operations, but most likely that our internet connection was struggling to keep up. This may be overcome next year when our Ultra-Fast-Fibre-Broadband-for-the-same-price-as-copper deal becomes a reality. At last - a useful function for Kim Dotcom!

So this has now cost almost as much as six months Sky Subscription, but never let logic get in the way of a good Man Cave project. And this is how they get you hooked into their iniquitous cash cow system anyway, isn't it?

*Irony