Terry Sarten: no 8 wire conspiracy theories

9/11 ... an inside job?

A recent piece in the Guardian Newspaper noted people's willingness to adopt conspiracy theories in America and the UK. A significant proportion of citizens in both countries believe the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Centre were an inside job hatched by the US government. In America this was believed by 19% of those surveyed and by 11% in Britain.

Over half of the population in both countries were sure of at least one conspiracy such as the moon landing being staged in a film studio, aliens contacting earth in Roswell et al. About 50% of the people in the US and UK think their government is deliberately hiding the actual numbers of immigration from its citizens.

Little ol' NZ does not really have any grand scale secret conspiracies like these that we can call our own. This column will right that wrong by unveiling a number of conspiracies, secrets and lies.

In all the talk of polluted waterways, not only is there a cow in the room, there is another 'udderlying' plot that few are privy too. In the 80's NZ shipped cows overseas. They returned, in secret, radicalised by foreign ideas and set up cow cabals across the nation.

These cows then indoctrinated whole herds of previously free-thinking bovines with extreme ideas. These included a push against fences, signifying the loss of freedom to roam and a minor revolt against being touched by farmers with cold hands. This rebellion was quickly snubbed out by sending the dissenters to the freezing works.

The cow liberation movement then moved to the nations rivers, streams and lakes and did their movements beside and into the waters. Secret research was begun on how this emerging cow leadership struggle could be steered towards teaching the more intelligent cows to milk the others, allowing farmers to sleep in till breakfast. It is believed by some that this whole scandal was concealed from townies by the government from fear that a cow led revolt would rise up, overwhelming the nations armed forces in a cow coup.

The other little-known NZ conspiracy theory is the No 8 Wire White Lie. This was started by locals who had grown tired of the rumours about Elvis and Marilyn Monroe being alive and running a pie cart in Taihape. One day while fixing a fence there was a serious discussion about all the things that could be made from No 8-fencing wire. They made a lamp shade, a coat hanger and then used it as an aerial on the Ute so they could listen to the rugby.

To cover up the fact that no other work got done that day they started telling people that we were a nation of No wire inventors, able to shape this material into all sorts of wonderful things; jetboats, racing yachts, motorbikes, science experiments and fences that could keep out rabbits. In every pub, stock yard, shearing shed and investment company the word went around. No 8 Wire was being stockpiled and about to become more valuable than gold. The government, fearing this would ruin the economy, prevented the originators from speaking up by secretly buying their farms and exiling them to the Gold Coast. The No 8 Wire White Lie was then created as part of a massive government cover up. It might be true.

Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician, satirist and cow conspiracist.
Feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz