TERRY SARTEN: My privilege to tell you white is the new white

TARGET: Black privilege has its limitations - as Michael Brown found out when he was shot by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri.PHOTO/AP

A MAN walks into the local Satire Retail Outlet. "I'd like to get some privilege, please."

"Certainly, sir - what size, colour and finish are you looking for? We have privilege in a range of colours - black, brown and white. They don't do privilege in grey."

"What would you recommend?"

"Well, the black privilege is currently somewhat limited in its applications. Despite thousands of years of use, its effect has over time become diluted by slavery, imperialism and oppression and is often shunned by those having discriminatory tendencies.

"Brown has some of the technical improvements of contemporary privilege but it does tend to fade when exposed to colonialism, bigotry and prejudice. In addition, the effects of inequities in the mix tend to give it a variable finish.

"The white privilege, on the other hand, is still regarded in some quarters as the superior privilege for most settings.

"It can be applied to any finish without much superficial preparation, and it comes in a special container that opens easily in a wide range of situations.

"It has been liberally applied in many parts of the world, and seems immune to the vagaries of fashion and the usual wear and tear experienced by other types of privilege."

"Okay - so how much do the different privileges cost?"

"The price of privilege varies. The black privilege has been heavily discounted by history and this effect continues, judging by the way black is used as a target by police in some states in America.

"The price that is paid for being black certainly suffers from a range of unfounded prejudices that are proving hard to remove.

"The brown privilege can be good value, depending on the country of origin, and has some qualities that even harsh stereotyping cannot diminish.

"It is interesting to note that some believe that white privilege improves with exposure to the sun, as it can take on a light tan finish - although in some instances it goes bright pink and peels easily.

"The white privilege comes in two distinct forms. It may have inherited advantages from prior versions or acquired them as a matter of chance.

"Many users of white privilege do not even realise the effect this can have on the finish. It can improve access to housing, employment, education, health and justice - and it remains the most popular form of privilege all around the world, despite it being outnumbered by the other types.

"When people look for a chief executive, newsreader, politician or even an actor to portray other colours, it is often the white privilege that gets the job."

"That's interesting. I'd like 4 litres of white privilege please and a large brush."

"Sheen or matt, sir?"

"Actually my name is Mufta."

"Oh - you will need some undercoat in your case. Do you want the inherited privilege or the skin-deep superficial finish?"

"I have changed my mind. I see white privilege everywhere and I want something different.

"If I get one of each kind and mix them together, would I get the collective benefits of them all and it would go with everything?"

"Maybe - white privilege has a tendency to resist being mixed with black and brown, and so can end up being a bit beige. But if you stir them all together really well, it might just work."

"Thank you. It has been your privilege to do business with me."-Terry Sarten is a writer, musician and satirista - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz