Terry Sarten: I am brilliant ... and humble with it

If the crown fits, you gotta wear it!

I trust my readers to recognise satire when they see it because I have decided to reinvent myself as I am not getting the dues I deserve.

Others seem to get noticed by being completely narcistic and self-obsessed so for the next 569 words I will talk about myself and nobody else. If politicians, celebrities, huckster and charlatans can do it then why not me.

It seems we get nothing but "me, myself and I" from every quarter. Every second utterance is a "my" word, I am so special. Let me let you know what I think. I have my own ego-driven opinion and I am going to use it. I have done so many things that it takes my own breath away.

By myself I have changed the world as I know it. I am not a narcissist, just very confident in my own ability to have the last word on everything.

Let me attack every opinion that I can by using the 'I' statement in every sentence. "I've done this/I've done that/I'm not talking through my hat". See what I did there? So clever even if I say so myself and I do.

I have a special interest in big business and politics as these are both arenas where being the centre of attention is the principal objective.

'Mystakes' are made by others not me. I will shift any blame that might fall my way by moving myself as far away from it as possible. I am worth so much more to myself that even I'm amazed and have to look in the mirror to check my profile.

This is essential for getting myself filmed doing some great deed so those humbler than I cannot even get in the picture.

And I am humble. I only brag about the way I undermine and attack the vulnerable and those who attempt to take me down because, me myself and I, are an incredible team, working together as only I can to make myself get noticed.

In the great scrum of life, I am the manager, coach, captain, halfback and fall-back position. You might smell the strong whiff of cynicism (or satire) in my declaration but then so many are making so much out of being self-centred and nasty that it would be madness not too join in. It seems more loathing equals more attention.

The Katie Hopkins, Nigel Farages, Boris Johnsons, Trumps of this world are largely despised for their bumbling challenges to common decency but they are raking it in. Surely, I can do that. It's easy - just denigrate every opinion held by others and then throw in a casual insult to cauterise the wound.

Simply but ambitiously being outrageous seems to be a whole new career path. I am going to begin this new style of character assassination by insulting all my readers individually one at a time, even those whose conspiracy theories align with mine because I know that my conspiracies are superior, as is everything I say.

I am shamelessly looking after me and my high opinion of myself as it shields me from looking down on the inferior beings shuffling to get a selfie with me.

So, read me and weep because I am not only the greatest, humblest towering intellectual (when they say I am 5.5' that is a scandalous lie) for if I am not myself then who am I?

■Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician, social worker and satirista (satirist who likes coffee) - feedback is always welcome: tgs@inspire.net.nz