The Anglo-Saxon ancestry is a concern. There is a little bit of Viking in all of you that is a worry. There's the reputation for drinking, fighting and pillaging. This Viking connection may be small and go a long way back which makes it more of a worry - once a pillager always a pillager.
Q: But my Viking bit is mixed in with a pinch of Celtic, some Spanish (the Armada washed that one ashore and married a local) lots of Scots and a dash of French. Which bit of this is the problem?
Official: There are people incurring debt to this country in healthcare, they're not entitled to free healthcare, they're not paying for it.
We might take that demographic, load that into our harm model machine to check if you are like the kind of person that does that and if there's any likelihood that someone else coming through the system is going to behave in the same way then we'll move to deport that person at the first available opportunity so they don't have a chance to do that type of harm.
Q: So, if I was taken ill then is that some sort of crime? What about the Peter Thiel bloke - the one who bought his citizenship without even coming here to sign the forms?
He was an American of Anglo-Saxon descent. Did you do this profile on that kind of immigrant or does being a rich white man make your modelling machine malfunction?
Official: The machine is set to predicting how someone is most likely to behave based on how their predecessors have behaved.
Q: If that is so, why are so many Anglo-Saxon descendants living here if our ancestors were prone to drinking, fighting, starting wars and invading far-flung countries?
Official: Are you applying as a refugee fleeing the woes of Brexit? If you come from a strife-torn country like the UK then that's okay but those fleeing war are a different thing as they might be so damaged by the experience that we have to pay for their counselling.
Q: Is that not what is called racial profiling - discriminating because of ethnicity. Or simply morally suspect?
Official: No. We just use the data from the machine to tell us which immigrants are likely to be a risk because others from the same country have got into trouble. If you come from a country such as "Kafisghanakstania", and we all know the kind of trouble Kafisghanakstanians can be, then we would hesitate to let you in and maybe deport you.
Q: Do your bosses know about this? These reeks of bias against certain nationalities. Most Kafisghanakstanians would be insulted by the notion that they are all the same.
That would be like saying all Anglo-Saxon coming from the UK are alike. Some of them are prone to drinking, fighting and declaring war on faraway countries but not all of us are like that.
Official: Please get back in the queue.
■Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician, satirista and social worker - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz
