Terry Sarten: Congratulations Gerry -- it's a buoy!

HARRUMPH: Gerry Brownlee should be banished to the farthest reaches of Zealandia.

YEE-HA! The scientists have decided we are a new continent and have named us Zealandia - and we are huge.

With a continental shelf that surrounds and extends north and south beyond Aotearoa, we are no longer a small collection of islands but a fully-fledged massive continent.

The fact that most of this new domain is underwater is but a minor drawback. We are now up there with the other seven continents - the Americas, Australia, Europe, Africa, Asia and Antarctica. Stand aside, Australia - we dominate the oceans.

I'm not sure this requires a new flag. I mean, what would it take to show our dominion over large swathes of ocean - a deep blue ensign with a rampant seagull holding a hot chip in its mouth?

Our status as a significant geographical feature will mean re-drawing the world map, giving whales citizenship, residency to albatross and penguins and rethinking the whole concept of offshore tax shelters.

This grand new kingdom of waves, wind and ocean life will require representation in Parliament.

The current electoral boundaries will need to expand to include the Kenri Plateau, the Howe Rise and the Norfolk Ridge.

These electorates will be far from the seat of government but their isolation could present an opportunity.

Some of our most ineffective MPs could be given these electorates - it would keep them very occupied with the daily difficulties of living in their constituencies, all at sea in a small dinghy.

I propose the first Minister for Oceans should be Gerry Brownlee. He could be tethered out on the edge of the Kenri Plateau like one of those navigational buoys with a clanging bell that warns ships of hazards.

He could possibly do this quite well as there would be no one to blame when things go wrong. He is certainly not doing much at the moment.

When the Port Hills were on fire, he appears to have sat in his office ignoring the need for some oversight of the crisis. Then, once the worst was over, he went down for a buzz in a helicopter to see what was left of homes and farms.

He blustered and harrumphed, blaming regional services for their response while somehow forgetting the rather crucial point that he is the minister ultimately responsible for Civil Defence in such emergencies.

But, of course, how silly - a minister is apparently not responsible for what happens in their portfolio. That is for the lowly civil servant or local people.

The minister, with a government warrant and the power to activate a response in a civil emergency, is not accountable. If he was, then Gerry Brownlee would have no one else to blame when he gets it wrong.

This is not the first failure to do his job of this minister. The pace of the Christchurch rebuild following the earthquakes, the ongoing struggles for some home owners to get fair compensation, and more recently his hectoring of Kaikoura residents are all markers of a disastrous record.

Perhaps he read his ministerial role incorrectly and thought he was the Minister of Civil Disasters.

■Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician and satirista - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz