Tel’s Tales: My time as an alarm clock

Terry Sarten sets out the week of an alarm clock. Photo / Supplied

OPINION

Monday 6am: Woke up and did my alarm clock ringing duties. Received a muffled response from beneath bedclothes — rang again five minutes later.

My owner reached over and slapped me — then called me names! I was shocked into silence. Where is the gratitude? Every day I do my job. I wake my owners so they get up and go to work to support our shared lifestyle and look what I get.

Once I was thrown across the room. It took months to recover. I work very exact hours, Monday to Friday, with only the occasional weekend off. If I do ring early on a Sunday morning, I get blamed for my alarmist behaviour and get a hard time. Doh — as if I set the alarm myself.

Tuesday 6.45am: Very tired — I have been ringing every few minutes for the past three-quarters of an hour with no response. Where are my owners? Maybe they have gone away. If they have gone on holiday without turning my alarm off that would be unfair because I won’t get some well-earned rest while they are away.

They could have taken me with them. I like holidays. It is fun waking people up some place new and different. I like nice hotels with soft carpets to land on when I get knocked over by my clumsy, sleepy owners.

On one trip I was the centre of much attention in an airport. My tick-tock got the security staff all alarmed so they unpacked me, opened my back and looked inside.

Wednesday 6am: Felt tired. This is too early in the morning for me and at times I find it hard to ring with the enthusiasm this role requires. My ring does not seem to have the same pizazz it had when I was young.

I remember coming home in a flash box and being unwrapped on my owner’s birthday. Maybe my owner’s initial lack of gratitude at being given an alarm clock as a present has affected my passion for the role. I am sure those critical first years of life do influence the kind of clock you become.

Thursday 6am: Rang but with no real enthusiasm this morning. Was wide awake most of last night thinking about existentialist, metaphorical mechanisms and the passage of time? This is a very exacting job.

We have to account for every second. We can’t miss some and pretend that we had not noticed or ask another clock to count them for us while we take a break.

It takes a whole year to count the 31,536,000 seconds involved. If someone tries to silence me by stuffing me in the back of their sock drawer, I still have to keep counting.

Friday 5.55am: Woke early and did some warmup exercises before work started at 6am. I have decided to be proactive and take the initiative.

I am taking a new approach to the task of alarming people. I am trying to ring softly at first then gradually build the volume. Hopefully, this will reduce the hostility and intemperate language. My owner still tried to slap me but I was in a different place this morning so was out of easy reach and escaped the usual rough start to the day.

Saturday 11am: Slept in this morning. It is such a glorious feeling to wake without having to go to work. I will enjoy every second, minute and hour of my day off.

Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui and describes himself as a musician, writer, social worker and alarm clock avoidance consultant. Email: tgs@inspire.net.nz