DEAR DIARY: "Imagine if they had gone with PIG-tail instead, oh the humiliation" writes New Zealand's serial yanker. PHOTO/LEWIS GARDNER 010515WCLGHAIRPULL
Diary of a Serial Yanker
Monday
Bugger it.
Looks like my secret fetish is secret no more. I was worried this might happen when Bro Bro cut her hair shorter.
It was bad enough that it cost me two bloody good bottles of wine, let alone a personal and private apology. That damned waitress accepted the wine and the apology. It should have been the end of the matter, but oh no - curse her and her luscious, left-wing locks.
Here's hoping that my "teflon John" reputation won't slip through my fingers, like the silken strands of human hair that I come to love and lust.
The dog's tail makes a really poor substitute but needs must I'm afraid. Where's a decent support group when you need one?
Tuesday
Still making headlines dammit! Ponytail-gate. Not exactly original. Thank heavens they don't employ a creative writer to come up with far more damaging drivel. Imagine if they had gone with PIG-tail instead, oh the humiliation. Even worse if the unoriginal fools had opted for YANKER or TUGGER. I can almost hear the chants now, ringing out, like some football ground inhabited by 40,000 hooligans.
"Johnny's a Yanker" I don't think I could have ever lived that one down.
To make matters worse, I'm forced to write with my left hand. Bloody dog bit me on my right hand, just turned on me, out of the blue. Can't think why.
Wednesday
Decided to treat Bro Bro to some hair extensions for a Mother's Day prezzy. That way I can satisfy my urges and hopefully she won't be too suspicious. Thank heavens for the Saudi Arabian garb she's wearing. It's getting harder to control my urges. Even the smell of her sweet shampoo causes me to go all heady and act like a little schoolboy.
Feeling a wee bit homesick at the mo. Missing the dog especially.
Thursday
Been a bit of a backlash over the Bali executions. This boycott Bali campaign. What a waste of time. They execute people in the US too, do they demand travel bans for them as well? Who needs a plane when you a band wagon? When will these druggie drongos realise the "when in Rome" rule? They get no sympathy from me, I imagine I'll be expected to place a few extra phone calls on behalf of the Wanganui chappy. The whole Human Rights thing has gone crazy.
Ponytail-gate is a prime example. People are being killed on a daily basis, but yanking on a pigtail makes headlines here and overseas. What's right about that?
On the positive though, latest polling shows that "teflon John" maintains his title.
Yay me! Must make hair appointment for Bro Bro.
Friday
Really looking forward to coming home. Was reading online today that support for a new flag has dropped significantly. Maybe I could redirect any savings into a Yankers Anon support group and helpline. I was so looking forward to tabling my idea for the new design. Nothing says Kiwi like the ever iconic Buzzy Bee. It speaks of fun, colour and innovation while it subtly hints at the Beehive as the seat of power and New Zealand as the land of milk of honey.
The old yanking incident no longer dominates the headlines but the Union appears to have belatedly mounted the pony. Strange that she never once approached her employer to express her concerns. Could be in for an interesting ride. With any luck she will have returned the wine.
Really hope Bro Bro likes her upcoming surprise. Bet the dog will be pleased to see me.
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Wanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever - your feedback is welcome:investik8@gmail.com
