Sticks and stones might not break bones but names can seal your fate

Kate Stewart

One of the most challenging tasks for me, as a parent, was the whole baby-naming business. It sounds simple enough but there's more to it than you think.

The name is like a first impression - like it or not, your child will be judged by it - and for those who believe that there is an actual science to it, the future success of your offspring could depend on what you choose.

When considering names for the lifeforms, I had to think like a child. What would/could the name be shortened to? What did their name rhyme with ... could it be turned into some nasty playground chant that would scar them for life? Did the first name compliment the surname?

It was a huge responsibility. I didn't want "common as muck"names but nor did I want anything too different and out there or names that were further complicated by bizarre spellings that left people wondering if they were even pronouncing it correctly.

I read a story earlier this week that highlighted to me just how little thought some parents put into naming their child so I went online and found countless examples of "what were they thinking?" It was a real mixed bag, from the funny to the ludicrous and while some were crude, others were downright cruel.

I learnt, too, that we are apparently the only country in the world with the power to ban or outlaw names - and we are copping a bit of flak for it.

Whether or not you agree with the banning of certain names, you have to wonder at the logic of it. You may NOT call your child Baron or Justice - but Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii is perfectly acceptable. That poor child - one could make a case for emotional child abuse.

The girl was too humiliated to use her given name and told other kids at the school that she was called something else entirely. Thank heavens, upon hearing the name, a judge saw fit to have her brought to the court so she could legally change it.

While I certainly don't want to be living in a nanny state or have the freedom of naming my own children denied, there will always be those few whose actions will spoil it for the rest of us. In this case it failed - the name should never have been permitted in the first place.

A name is just that. Not a sentence, not a rhyme - a name. You would think common sense would prevail, but sadly common sense is uncommon these days.

I thought naming your kids after a make of car was bad enough but it seems we have sunk even lower with registered names like Blip, Feline and Ziggo for girls and Cheese, Panda and Ajax for boys. While Ajax was a lesser known Greek god, back in the day, I'm sure most would associate it with the household cleaner.

Then there are those with unfortunate names and you have to ask yourself why they haven't changed them by deed poll.

It's bad enough that the parents chose the names they do but the fact that, in adulthood, the children have elected to keep them just astonishes me.

If you feel you might want some legal advice on naming your child, try the law firm of Dumas & McPhail.

On the upside, according to studies, the most successful businessmen are named John, Steve, Mark, Andrew, Peter, Gareth, Bill, Phil and Richard while the least successful men's names are Tony, Matthew, Fred, Harry, Brian, Ed, Alex, Martin, Jimmy, Kevin, Lee and George.

Stick and stones and all that. Still, I'm happy I put some time and effort and a great deal of thought in to it. I'd like to think the lifeforms are, too.

This is Kate, aka Kathryn (detest that name) signing off. Smile loudly til next week - feedback to investik8@gmail.com

*Kathryn Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.