Steve Braunias: The secret diary of... Malcolm Turnbull

Malcolm Turnbull. Photo / AP

COMMENT:

MONDAY

I am the Prime Minister of Australia. Like Tony Abbott before me, but that's different. He was a certified dipstick.

People might think that's a turn of phrase but I'm telling you that I saw the certificate. It was on his wall. It read, THIS IS TO CERTIFY I'M A DIPSTICK. He took it down and put it in a cardboard box when I kicked his arse out of the office that I now hold as the Prime Minister of Australia.

It's a great honour to serve as the Prime Minister of Australia. I bring a lot of dignity and strength to the position. The worst thing you can do to people in authority is laugh at them but no one laughs at me. I do the laughing around here.

I saw Peter Dutton today. "You're a bloody idiot," I laughed.

He said, "What does that make you?"

"That's easy," I said. "I am the Prime Minister of Australia."

TUESDAY

I am the Prime Minister of Australia. I go about my business calmly and efficiently because that's the way we operate in Australian politics.

It might not look that way because we've had five Prime Ministers in the last five years but things are different now because I am the Prime Minister of Australia.

You want to see how bad things are in other countries? Just look at New Zealand. No, don't. It'll make you sick, mate. The government is full of middle-aged sheilas who are forever bicycling to hospital to have babies and, whenever they feel indisposed to rule, they hand the job over to the oldest man in New Zealand.

Apparently he's in Australia tomorrow to see my foreign minister, Julie Bishop. Good luck to her. He looks deaf, she'll have to shout. What if he starts dribbling, and forgets his meds? Apparently he's asked to see me, too. No way. I have better things to do. I am the Prime Minister of Australia.

WEDNESDAY

I am the Prime Minister of Australia and shall remain the Prime Minister of Australia and will not step down as the Prime Minister of Australia or entertain the idea of anyone else becoming the Prime Minister of Australia because I have 100 per cent confidence in the fact that I am the Prime Minister of Australia.

THURSDAY

Am I the Prime Minister of Australia?

What is Australia?

What are laws of nature?

Are there laws of nature?

Where did it all wrong?

What happens when we die?

What did you go out into the desert to see?

Why are you trying to kill me?

I saw Peter Dutton today. "You're a bloody idiot," he laughed.

I said, "What does that make you?"

"That's easy," he said. "I am the next Prime Minister of Australia."

FRIDAY

Scott Morrison is the Prime Minister of Australia.

I am someone who used to be in politics. I was the leader of my country, performing great deeds, and then out of nowhere, suddenly, viciously, I got rolled.

I went to bed early but the phone woke me up at 3am. I reached for it and heard a burst of maniacal laughter and then the caller hung up. I pushed the Missed Calls command. It read, DIPSTICK.