Merry Xmas, everyone! Or most everyone. Photo / Mark Mitchell
COMMENT:
Isn't Xmas just great!!!!
This will be our first with our little one – I wonder what Santa will bring her!!!!!! See what I did there, jumped at the chance to mention the little one!!!
Me, I don't need anything for Xmas!!!! Just a puff of wind and I'm right!!!! Because when the going gets tough, there's nothing more I like to do than open up my magic umbrella and let it take me up, up, up into the clouds!!!!
People say, "Oh, you're a regular Mary Poppins, aren't you, all bubbly and upbeat and maniacally determined to maintain this semblance or facade of happiness to the point where you actually seem sort of unhinged", but they don't know the half of it!!!! I love my magic brolly!!! It takes me to a better place!!!! A higher place, far, far away from the incompetence and vaingloriousness of my front bench – don't even mention the back bench!!!! No one else does!!!! God what losers!!!!
But you know what? It doesn't worry me. All I really want to say right now is Merry Xmas.
Kia ora and meri Kirihimete.
You might remember me as the co-leader of the Green Party, although then again you might not, because ever since we got in the back door of the Labour-New Zealand First coalition, we haven't exactly set politics on fire or done anything remarkable, apart from when Marama Davidson opens her mouth and says things about the c-word, which I'd really rather she didn't, because it detracts from our core message, makes us look weird, flakey, insubstantial.
But you know what? It doesn't worry me. All I really want to say right now is Merry Xmas.
It's Xmas – and I'm the little elf at the top of the tree!
Look, there I am! With a cheeky smile and my bum doing the twerk! Whee! I'm an entertainer! Please let me entertain you! If I don't entertain you, all I have is my political acumen to fall back on, and God help me with that one.
But you know what? It doesn't worry me. All I really want to say right now is Merry Xmas.
Gidday everyone, Xmas eh!
Hey so my name's Simon Bridges, the leader of the National Party, you'll have seen me around the traps no doubt, I love getting out and about, meeting old friends, making new friends, feeling the pulse of the nation, and letting people feel my pulse, which can be a bit of a worry because sometimes they can't find it.
They look at me, and say, "Mate," they'll say, "you actually appear to be dead."
And I say, "Look, I can see where you're coming from, but you mustn't believe the polls."
And the thing is that I have to say it really fast because people have a short attention and sometimes forget my name even while I'm saying it.
But you know what? It doesn't worry me. All I really want to say right now is Merry Xmas.
Nothing worries me. You all know that. So I will say Merry Xmas if and when I feel like it.
Oh alright. Merry Xmas, everyone!
Or most everyone.
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