Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of . . . The Republican Convention

Steve Braunias Photo/File

MONDAY

Donald Trump: Hello, Cleveland! Thank you all for coming here today for the most ably organised Republican convention in history. Now excuse me while I go backstage and try to find some pants.

Scott Baio: What the Donald is saying is, "Who wears the pants around here?" Because we know it isn't Obama. He's more comfortable wearing a robe that he got from his friends at Isis. And we know it isn't Hillary. I mean no disrespect to women, because I have acted with some of the finest female actors in America, such as the one who played Joanie and who can forget Mrs Cunningham, but the facts speak for themselves when I say that Hillary is nothing but a complete bitch.

Donald Trump: And now it's time to hear from one of the most original minds in America today. Melania Trump: Let me take you down because I'm going to Strawberry Fields.

TUESDAY

Patrick Gower: Well here I am in Cleveland, and the scenes here defy analysis, so what I want to say instead is that Trump must resign now.
Heads must roll over the fiasco of Melania Trump's plagiarised speech. A speechwriter obviously inserted the passage from Strawberry Fields. But it's up to the Donald to say sorry to the song's author, Ringo Starr.

As political editor at Newshub it's my job to tell politicians how to behave. I spend half my working life at the Beehive demanding that MPs get down on their knees and issue public apologies for real and imagined misdemeanours. I spend the other half demanding that they resign.

Trump must resign. He has to quit now. I say this with the full knowledge it will send shock waves through the US media.

Fox News: We interrupt our roiling coverage of the Republican convention, where everything is going smoothly, so the boss can grope someone.

WEDNESDAY

Donald Trump: Let's get down to business. Let's get down to what's important. Scott Baio: What the Donald is saying is, "Let's get down to business. Let's get down to what's important."

Donald Trump: I think we need strength. I think we also need somebody that can be a cheerleader. But President Obama has been a great divider in this country.
I watched the President and sometimes the words are okay, but you just look at the body language, there's something going on. There's something going on, and the words are not often okay, by the way. There's a lot of bad feeling about him. We have a country that has not been like this since I can remember it.

People cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words "radical Islamic terrorism". There's something going on. It's inconceivable. There's something going on.

Scott Baio: All of the above is verbatim from the Donald talking this week to Fox News.

THURSDAY

Patrick Gower: Here I am at the Republican convention with a former Trump adviser, and I'm asking him, "What is your take on the Melania speech? How could something like that happen? Should someone resign? Should someone get fired?"
The Melania rip-off is far from the biggest issue, but it's hugely symbolic of how Trump would act as President.
Hugely.
In very huge ways.
And if Melania becomes First Lady, who's to say she won't rip someone else off?

FRIDAY

Melania Trump: Everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece; jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash. Cool.
Donald Trump: I've found my pants, and I'd like to sum up the 2016 Republican convention by wearing them on my head.