So here's the plan We invade Australia

NZ is not on the list of potential threats, so we would certainly have the element of surprise on our side. WHAT'S the situation here?

A recent read gave me a new word and potential future career. The current situation provides the perfect time to become a situationalist - working within the "theory that behaviour is chiefly responsible for immediate situations".

The combination of stern academic tone and obscure meaning should be enough to forge a solid career. If it is possible to become a celebrity by being famous without any visible talent, then setting up as a situationalist should be doddle.

I will begin by using the example of the Blacks Caps' cricket result and proposing that being all out for 45 runs is linked to one of two things - either the opposition were stunningly brilliant or NZ were stunningly hopeless. Either way, the responsible behaviour is to be stunned.

Did the team neglect to make a New Year resolution to be winners? I note that the other newspaper I read did a little survey, asking whether people had made any 2013 resolutions and whether they would stick to them. The answers showed that 16 per cent had resolved with the intent to see it through and 6.8 per cent also made resolutions despite knowing they wouldn't be able to keep them. Then 54.2 per cent, counting myself among them, said they had not made any New Year resolutions for 2013. The really interesting group were the 22.9 per cent who declared they were perfect so therefore did not need to change anything. It must be hard to write with your tongue so firmly wedged in your cheek but I guess they can do that perfectly as well.

The headlines describing Whanganui as Ponganui and Pongsville are most unfortunate. In my own, nearly perfect way, I proffer a solution for the nasty smell hanging over the town.

A few gallons of eau de cologne into the treatment ponds or sprayed on to people in the street would disguise the offensive whiff till the problem is fixed. It certainly would allow people to air their grievances over the whole sorry affair in a different atmosphere.

While on the theme of great ideas that have been overlooked till now, I have also found a way we could recover our ailing economy in one bold move. We could invade outback Australia, occupy the mining towns and hold them to ransom. This is not as rash as it sounds.

An article by Hugh White in the Australian publication Monthly has let everyone know that Australia cannot defend itself. The author notes that NZ is not on the list of potential threats, so we would certainly have the element of surprise on our side. No one would need to get hurt as we could pretend we had just popped over for a game of cricket and a barbecue with our Australian mates.

A week of the mining industry being held to ransom, feeding them burnt sausages and forcing them watch us play cricket would give NZ sufficient funds to pay off our debts and still have some left over to hire the Australian team to give our guys some batting lessons.

Terry Sarten - writer, musician, social worker and apprentice situationalist now resides in Sydney. Email feedback to: tgs@inspire.net.nz