Santa sleighed by diet of fast food

Perhaps Santa's waistline needs to shrink. PHOTO/FILE

As often as I refer to myself as mad as a hatter or crazy, sometimes I wonder if I am, in fact, the only person in the world with a grip on reality.

For months now we have been witness to news items about the ongoing Syrian crisis, many bearing horrific images of the effects of alleged chemical warfare on innocent women and children. Apart from a cautionary warning that some scenes may be disturbing, we get little else.

Lose the America's Cup, on the other hand, and the networks roll out faith experts, motivational life coaches and psychologists to help us survive the grieving process and cope with such a heartbreaking loss. Am I the only b****y person who thinks there is something wrong with this picture?

I came across a website the other day - American of course - suggesting that we now need to seek professional therapy for our children to help them through the transition of accepting reality over fantasy.

It was claiming that, if not dealt with in the right way, we could traumatise our children when we finally dispel the myths of things like Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny. The only people needing therapy are the ones who come up with a problem that doesn't even exist - just to profit from it.

Problem is, the mindless (and there are many of them) will fall for it hook, line and sinker. Momentum will gather, before too long "the experts" here in New Zealand will jump on the bandwagon, too, and sadly misguided parents will be lining up to put their kids on the couch with a shrink.

The only thing shrinking, however, will be their bank accounts.

So ... to help you all out and save you a heap of worry and cash, I've come up with a list of totally believable explanations to get you through this delicate mind field. Please note, I have provided options so you can select what best suits your child's level of understanding.

Let's begin with the tooth fairy:

1. Sorry, health and safety officers deemed the position unsafe due to the handling of unsterilised body parts, but he got a good redundancy package.

2. The poor tooth fairy was mistaken for an intruder and accidentally shot. Union bosses won't allow a replacement until a bullet-proof vest is provided along with danger money and double time on weekends.

3. Work and Income classed him as unemployed, so under their new rules for beneficiaries he was forced to up-skill and re-train. He's gone to study dentistry at Otago University and when he's finished mummy will be paying a lot more than $2 a tooth.

Note the clever way I have shifted responsibility. You may feel guilty for being the bearer of such bad news but take comfort as you "give yourself permission" to place the blame with someone else.

Now, deep breaths as we prepare for The Easter bunny:

1. He had so many children of his own and the IRD caught up with him. He hadn't been making child support payments and, with his position being a voluntary one, he had no money so they had no option but to put him in prison. He tried to apply for home detention with a work exemption but they turned him down.

2. He was visiting an old friend, Polly Possum, who lived deep in the bush. Sadly he fell victim to 1080 poisoning when DoC were in the middle of Operation Poison Pest, but he died a hero.

3. His wife could make more money as a Playboy Bunny, so he had to stay home and look after the kids.

Lastly we have Santa:

1. The GCSB intercepted his email and, with all of it being from kids, they arrested and detained him, suspecting him of crimes against children.

2. Santa just got too fat. All those milk and cookies and a diet of fast food caught up with him and he couldn't fit down the chimney any more. He's on the waiting list for a gastric bypass and has signed up for the invalid's benefit. He will most likely die before government funding for the op comes through.

3. Santa parked his sleigh in a bad part of town and was robbed, beaten and left for dead - he's still in a coma. The reindeer couldn't provide police with a description of the attacker.

His son wanted to take over but his insurance company are refusing to pay for a new flying sleigh.

Well, there you have it. I hope that's been of some help, but we're out of time for today.

Make an appointment for next week on your way out and give yourself permission to email me with your feedback: investik8@gmail.com - and smile loudly without permission.