Roll up, roll up, Poliwood has it all ...

Nicky Hager with the script in hand so he can learn the lines to play a gaunt-faced zombie, who rises from the dead to feed on flesh and filth yet again.

New Zealand has turned its back on Hollywood and Bollywood, choosing instead to produce their latest block-buster, Election 14, locally. Dubbed Poliwood, this seemingly directorless epic has shut out well-known names like Peter Jackson and Weta Workshops, adopting instead a more "fly-on-the-wall", reality approach.

Insider sources have revealed, however, that this big budget production is in fact being funded, largely by the New Zealand taxpayer.

Most bizarre of all, however, is the battle for the leading role. The casting couch, as far as we know, has yet to come into play. Those auditioning for a part have elected instead to forgo the usual screen test in favour of self-promotion via billboards.

It's clear to see that airbrushers have been working through the night to expertly conceal festering boils, warts, fangs, horns and forked tongues. These have been replaced with insincere smiles, sparkling eyes and corny catchphrases. Despite the best efforts of make-up artists and special effects, these flaws remain highly visible during public meetings and media events.

Rumour has it the leading role could be played by a man or a woman and the final decision, although widely speculated upon, may only be revealed as late as opening night.

Many details surrounding Election 14 remain sketchy. The plot is a complex one with a single genre too complicated to define. It's reported to be a mix of action and drama with elements of comedy. Some have even hinted at the use of horror-and-shock tactics. Sources do agree though that it is an epic tale of the struggle for political power. Its R18 rating suggests prolific violence and profanity, but it remains to be seen whether nudity, sex and/or drug use stand up to the scrutiny of censors.

Use of stunt doubles has been ruled out, with the cast opting to perform their own.

Critics of the production appear bemused by this decision. With politics increasingly becoming such a ruthless and corrupt game, many believe the cast to be either stupid or arrogant, to believe they can come out of any such battles unscathed.

One guest role that has been confirmed is that of Nicky Hager, who has agreed to play a gaunt, hollow-eyed zombie, rising from the dead, every election year to feed on the flesh and alleged filth of his chosen victims before returning to the worm-infested earth and relative obscurity for another term. Hager's timing and delivery are said to be impeccable, though many doubt his believability.

Kim Dotcom, a relative newcomer, is looking crass and somewhat desperate in his attempt to win a role by appealing to the youth. Reduced to repeatedly dropping the "F-bomb" in a childish chant against a rival, we can only hope his immaturity has some limits. God forbid his next attention-seeking stunt doesn't see him resorting to sporting skin-tight short shorts and twerking wildly as he suggestively spanks Pam Corkery with a giant foam finger as if to reprimand her for a cheap and vulgar verbal outburst directed towards media at an earlier event. Truly classless by anyone's standards.

Up for the role of femme fatale is Laila Harre, a Catwoman of sorts. So hellbent to be cast, she's stood for nearly as many parties as a cat has lives. She'll have to beat off some stiff competition, in the form of Metiria Turei, co-leader of the Green Party. Her many adversaries, however, may describe her as more of a poison Ivy. Scriptwriters are said to be keen on including a jelly wrestling scene between the two. Never a dull moment in Poliwood.

Favoured lead man Teflon John is certainly showing signs of damage. Without make-up, cracks and scratches are beginning to show, slowly releasing toxins many are finding hard to swallow. He's in dire need of urgent repairs and is also reported to have difficulties sticking to the script, but he wouldn't be the first in that regard.

Also auditioning for the lead role is David Cunliffe who has shocked potential fans with a never-before-seen strategy. Normally in politics one waits until they're in power before breaking election promises.

With maths clearly not his strong suit, King David has already reneged on several campaign promises made earlier due to lack of funds. No stranger to bad figures, if his popularity ratings are anything to go by, this latest turn of events is just plain embarrassing and will see them plummet further.

Others hoping for supporting roles are playing the "race card" in the hope of garnering support. Winston continues to bash Asians, cracking jokes about Wongs. Insiders have a joke of their own, hoping Winston peters out.

Never underestimate the power of the supporting role. We can look forward to some gritty performances by Tame Iti and Hone Harawira. Even Colin Craig could surprise.

If horror is your preferred genre, there's always the chance of a skeleton or two. The race is on, with players aplenty all out to win a seat. Who will cross the finish line and claim first place and who will crash and burn?

Stay tuned as I continue to follow the unfolding plot of Election 14, brought to you by Poliwood Studios and coming soon to a polling booth near you. For ticket sales and feedback or to cast your vote, please email me, investik8@gmail.com

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city with a movie director's megaphone and a clapperboard.