The celestial realm has announced that, as part of an austerity drive, some staff will be made redundant. According to an inside source, named as senior manager resources, unless there is a miracle of some sort, hundreds of angels may lose their jobs.
Management has provided little comment on the restructuring plans, apart from a brief media statement saying that an independent review has shown there is an urgent need to reconfigure the roles of angels to better fit the image of a “modern, relevant kingdom experience for all who enter”. There was some stuff about the “eye of a needle” and a passing reference to camels but it was not clear how this was relevant to the impending redundancies.
An HR department press release states the various angel roles will be advertised and all angels with the relevant experience and qualifications are encouraged to apply for the new positions.
Most of the angels whose jobs are likely to go are those working in roles that management considers could effectively be filled by non-angels. The Seraphim, as senior executives in the heavenly hierarchy, are not under threat, but the Cherubim, who are the record-keepers and guardians of the glory, are very likely to see their jobs go. Their task of guarding the way to the tree of life is to be contracted out, along with the maintenance of the celestial chariot fleet and generic throne-bearing duties for the CEO.
In a further cost-cutting move, harp lessons will no longer be free. The ban on ukuleles will remain because “they go plinkty-plonk and angels have been mistaken for Tiny Tim when making celestial public appearances”.
