Random approach but at least it's consistent

Kate Stewart wants to write about the important issue of toilet paper ... Photo/File

As a columnist, if I can call myself that, I spend a fair bit of time reading the columns of others and more specifically the comments posted by readers, in an effort to understand what, if anything in particular, prompts the reader to respond at all.

In many ways I am not a typical columnist, which is why I question using the title to describe myself.

Though I have strong opinions on everything, I'm not an expert in anything and I'm certainly no celebrity cashing in on my name and/or connections. I don't even have any formal training in writing, to speak of. Hell, I don't even appear on the "Opinion" page.

Instead I find myself relegated to the back section. If I was a paranoid person I might be led to believe I'm not good enough to be published alongside the likes of credible contributors like Gwynne Dwyer and Sir Bob Jones.

I'm okay with that though. I never wanted to be like them, I wanted to be something different, something honest and simple. Happy to expose my many flaws as a writer, parent and 40-something divorcee/beneficiary. I wanted to inject a little humour where possible and bring back the all too uncommon commonsense approach and oppose the politically correct madness that grows more prolific with each passing day.

Let's face it, I'm all over the bloody place.

One week I write about wanting to "off" the life forms, the next week I'm bitching about the lack of real news on TV. There's no consistency to speak of, or just maybe, my apparent randomness is my consistency. You never know what you're going to get from one week to the next, just as I never know what the response to my weekly rants will be.

Articles that my editor and/or myself are quite happy with can get no feedback at all, while a hastily thrown together piece sees my email inbox filled to the max.

I think as a writer, I have remained pretty humble. Sure, the good feedback is awesome but it's certainly not expected. I even welcomed the bad feedback and to be honest had mentally prepared myself for an abundance of it. Good or bad it serves as proof you are being read and that is the ultimate aim of any writer.

It's not that I'm seeking approval or affirmation or that my ego is starved of praise and adoration, I just have a desire to give the reader what they want. For loyal readers it's as much your column as it is mine. It's probably a first, to have a columnist ask her readers what she should write about. Compared with other publications under the APN umbrella, Chronicle readers comment very little on opinion pieces and while there is nothing wrong with that, I would like to invite you to email me or post a comment in regards to what you like to read about. Are there local issues you want to put a spotlight on? My view may, of course, differ from yours, but at least I can give it a "voice" and create conversation and healthy debate.

I can keep on keeping on, the withered old crone and the life forms are a constant source of material. I can tackle topics like the BladeRunner Trial, Oscar's performance almost worthy of an Oscar. The crimes of David Bain, particularly his crimes against fashion, could be another option or I can take on the important issue of toilet paper design.

Why do they assume we want to wipe our bums with sea shells and flowers and why is the only colour choice white? Rectal racism? ... let's get to the bottom of it.

I need your help to write what's right so please email me: investik8@gmail.com
Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.