Provincial Republic of Aotearoa can blow off Big Smoke

All the talk these days is about Auckland being a different country.

It certainly has a big and ever-expanding population. It has its own flag - the Un-Real Estate For Sale is fluttering in every suburb.

It also has its own access to all-day traffic jams, a woefully under-resourced public transport system and a surfeit of those who consider wearing boat shoes confers a right to engage in dodgy financial practices. It has its own over-indulged loudmouth Tory royalty in the form of Mike Hosking and a Super-City council with no notion of planning for the future.

Rather than regarding Auckland as being a country all to itself and whingeing about the dominating influence of the City of House Sales, why don't the rest of us accede from the Union Jack-up and declare ourselves a Free Provincial Republic of Aotearoa.

We could then shuck off the shackles of Auckwardland and strike out on our own. Rather than be satisfied with becoming an outlying colonial staging post for them, let's leave them to their own devices while the provinces get on with the good life.

We don't have traffic woes in the provinces. It is possible to park a car, ride a bike or walk without it being the equivalent of a major expedition into the unknown.

The coffee and cafes are more civilised, and you can buy pretty much anything and buy plenty that's pretty. Even Palmerston North, Hamilton and Invercargill, although dismally flat and otherwise featureless places, at least have affordable houses, hospitals you can reach without driving for miles and a more relaxed pace.

The Government, currently based in Wellington, could be banished to Auckland. Quite a few Cabinet ministers own property there so it would be no hardship to move.

The Free Provincial Republic of Aotearoa would then vote in an electoral committee that would select skilled and experienced persons to run the various ministries. For example, the social welfare portfolio would be managed by a solo mother with three kids who would understand what those on a benefit need most; education would have an adult and a child representative; justice would be managed by someone with a background in community law; and finance led by a social worker seconded from a small NGO.

The republic would ditch the colonial flag for one that had the Maori flag on one side, the Southern Cross on the other. We would have our own easy-to-sing national anthem, with lyrics that referred to our green and pleasant land of cows and wine - "And did those bare feet of mine; Tread in a cowpat warm and green".

Aucklanders would have to purchase a visa to enter the provinces, with compassionate discounts for those travelling to visit families or relatives. Those moving away from Auckland as economic refugees fleeing oppressive rents/housing costs would be given a place in an interim camp facility while background checks were run to ensure that none were developers with grandiose ideas that someone else would be expected to pay for before the whole thing went bust.

As a further precaution, all arriving at the bottom of the Bombay Hill would be searched at the border for things likely to incite terror and loathing in the provinces such as boat shoes, America's Cup merchandise or men wearing shoes without socks. These items would be confiscated to reduce the risk of being publicly stoned outside the local with small red lollies in a Jaffa Jihad.

Vive La Republique de la Provinces!

-Terry Sarten is a provincial writer, musician and satirista - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz