Preschool perfect fit for politicians

OFF THE LEASH: MPs need a pop-up preschool in the Beehive to curb behaviour, says Kate Stewart. Pictured, Labour's Trevor Mallard

With the election looming ever closer and campaigns beginning to pick up momentum, I have noticed all the major players are dangling a common carrot before us when it comes to their policy on early childhood education.

Better subsidies, lower earning thresholds for entitlement and more hours, all expertly packaged in gender neutral, flame retardant, child-proof packaging that contains no small parts, to avoid choking.

With ECE appearing so important to all parties, my somewhat warped way of thinking led me to believe that in order to truly understand the needs and challenges of this vital industry, our politicians should experience, first hand, a little ECE of their own.

Considering too, the often embarrassing, almost cringe-worthy, petty and childlike behaviour of many MPs, especially in an election year, what better place to set up a trendy "pop-up" preschool than within the Beehive. I'd even go as far as saying that quite a few of our tax-funded employees could benefit greatly from such a scheme.

Imagine the chamber being transformed to a day-care centre for a week. By the end of day one I predict tantrums galore, bullying, an abundance of "dummy spitting", name calling, the creation of social cliques, the inability to share, intolerance and sheer defiance.

Shouldn't be too much of an ask, bearing in mind our adult representatives frequently display such unbecoming behaviours already.

But with the introduction of things like tummy time, arts and crafts and approved only food and drink items, educational games, plus nap time, positive changes can be made, therefore leading to a safer and more harmonious environment.

Tummy time is crucial for the promotion of strong neck muscles. A must-have for the MP suffering from BHS (big head syndrome).

Beneficial too for those that are constantly and frequently forced to hang their heads in shame.

Exercises, too, that promote great hand-eye co-ordination are vital. This will aid them in the all too frequent "pointing of the finger" game, not to mention how handy it will be when it comes to successful wining and dining, again at the taxpayers' expense. Tummy time also helps to strengthen the wrists and hands, this strengthening will become paramount for the expert extraction and presentation of their state-provided credit cards and subsequent signatures.

While some might argue that MPs already have nap time in the chamber, it tends to occur while "business" is taking place, aka story time. I feel nap time would be better if scheduled after playtime. Maybe a good round of musical chairs, removing a chair at a time until just the Prime Minister's is left. Here's hoping the first-aid kits are both well stocked and plentiful. Bullrush could be another fun option as many are familiar with crossing the floor already.

For arts and crafts, what better than breaking into teams/parties and defacing each others' electoral billboards with non-toxic crayons and finger paints.

Due to limited resources, thanks to budget restraints, there will undoubtedly be problems when it comes to sharing. Should distraction methods fail, time on the naughty step may be required. Continued defiance will lead to a phonecall to caregivers who will be asked to remove their "big baby" to avoid further disruption. They may even be stood down ... without pay.

Weather permitting, the "kids" could benefit from fresh air and a spell in the sandpit. This serves a dual-purpose play option. They can learn to master the art of burying their heads in the sand and with the addition of water they can further hone their mud-slinging skills. Make sure their baby bags include a change of clothes and plenty of wipes, thus ensuring they emerge from the pit "squeaky clean" or at least give the illusion of being so. Be careful, though, that the bags contain no skeletons, for they will be exposed.

Any attendee suffering from the latest freak affliction "oopsydaisyI havenorecollectionofthatevent-itis" must present a medical certificate prior to enrolment.

I would imagine the public gallery to be filled to overflowing, with many happy to pay to witness such a social experiment.

Seriously though, I can't help but be amused at the irony of politicians all using ECE to garner votes when their own behaviour is so often similar to that of a toddler throwing their toys from the pram. Our country and its economy will never grow until our MPs grow up and behave like adults.

investik8@email.com

Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother-of-three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.