Please don't feed left-overs to the jumbo in room

Make a trunk call for some self-help. PHOTO/FILE

I am self-helping myself by working on a self-help book. It will be called (for reasons that will become apparent) The Elephant has NOT Left the Room and I will attempt to do this without having to get on and off the media driven Sorry-Go-Round.

The Sorry-Go-Round consists of several sequential stages:

First, becoming a star or celebrity (this does not always require talent but does need lots of unprincipled but determined, narcissistic focus).

Next, develop some form of destructive dysfunctional habit. There is an ever-broadening scope for this - the old stalwarts of alcohol and drugs have now been seriously upstaged by addictions to shopping, sex, shoes (also known as Marcosis after Imelda Marcos's acknowledgement that she did not know how many pairs of shoes she had) and an overwhelming desire to be famous.

Once you have been busted for your chosen vice and appeared in court, it is important to then appear suitably contrite and say sorry to the public.

If, while using drugs yourself, you have indulged in public condemnation of other forms of substance abuse, the elephant called hypocrisy is definitely right there in the room with you and eating every bit of credibility you have left.

The only way to make the elephant leave the room is to take it with you and offer it counselling, while you are in rehab to avoid the possibility of jail time. Once you have been there and done that, you can legitimately appear on reality TV shows and talk up the self-help book you are writing.

The Elephant has NOT Left the Room will be my contribution to that oeuvre. It will detail the inner motivations that cause us to go to bed without doing the dishes only to wake in terror from a dream in which we are being chased by dirty plates.

There will be a chapter on self-actualisation in which the reader will connect with their inner monologue and ask it questions, tick boxes and add up scores.

The book will have LOTS of words in CAPITAL LETTERS shouting at you, TELLING you to CHEER UP and get your act together and STOP DITHERING alongside pictures of cute animals captioned with mind-shrinking inane quotes.

There will be lists of things to do, things to avoid and things that would never have come to mind unless you read the list - and you will feel that somehow something is missing in your life and so you will seek out and purchase (for three easy payments of $500) the Elephant Calling Whistle and Elephant Washing Guide plus kit with extra brushes and a very, very large towel.

The book's eight chapters will detail all aspects of dealing with the elephant in the room, starting with getting to the bottom of the problem through to what baggage it has in its trunk.

There will be a stern warning inside the cover to avoid feeding the elephant with left-overs. This may get it to leave the room, only to take up residence in the kitchen. It is very hard to claim you cook your own meals when there is an elephant taking up all the space.

The sub-headings will be in crazy fonts and accompanied by droll little cartoons with captions that announce you are on your way to success along a path created by the large feet of a hastily fleeing elephant.

Terry Sarten is a writer, musician and social worker currently in voluntary exile in Sydney - feedback: tgs@inspire.net.nz or www.telsarten.com