"Troubled persons want more satisfaction, contentment, and joy, not just less sadness and worry. They want to build their strengths, not just correct their weaknesses. And, they want lives imbued with meaning and purpose. These states do not come about automatically simply when suffering is removed."
I had my PowerPoint presentation planned, a brilliant "expert" presentation if I do say so myself. But as I started my presentation and asked the group questions I realised I had it all wrong. They knew far more than I did about thriving through adversity and in fact they were the experts in the context of their own lives.
So rather than do all the talking, I listened too. Group members were able to collaboratively identify strengths in each other that had helped them deal with mental health-issues and life struggles.
We identified how some had found meaning and purpose by becoming role models for other people and taking responsibility for helping others.
We recognised the critical importance of whanau and that the Pakeha version of wellbeing aligns well with Te Whare Tapa Wha*.
Talking with these amazing people reminded me of a quote that I love - "Don't underestimate me. I know more than I say, think more than I speak, & notice more than you realise" (Brigitte Nicole). This could not be a more perfect quote for me to summarise my experience with this group.
Too often we underestimate what others have to offer. As experts, we think we know what is best for them. But do we? Whether a teacher, social worker, doctor, husband or mother, we "experts" assume we know best for others.
The people who know best are people. We need to take the time to involve people in the decisions that affect them.
When people have a say in what happens to them (autonomy), they are given the resources to make them competent and have access to strong, supportive relationships (required for self-determination), they often achieve far more than mindlessly following "expert"-led initiatives.
As Benjamin Franklin said: "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."
Next time you have to make a decision about something that affects others, involve them in the decision-making process. You will be surprised by the energy, enthusiasm and commitment it generates.
*Te Whare Tapa Wha is a model for understanding Mori health. Developed by Sir Mason Durie, the four cornerstones are physical, spiritual, family and mental wellbeing.
Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is a registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology who is studying for a PhD in wellbeing at Auckland University of Technology.
