Old resolutions as practical as new ones

In the spirit of these unpredictable times, many of my readers will be recycling their New Year resolutions from last year. This is commendable. There will be far too many fresh, shiny new ones with built-in obsolescence on the morning of the first day of 2012. For those who congratulate themselves on being hip to the latest trends, the following is a guide for aspiring movers and shakers as we enter the Year of the Dragon.

In music, it will be the Year of the Kazoo. This much-maligned instrument will rise above the clamour of the ukulele and adapt its tissue paper and comb combination to all genres. There will be country kazoos by candlelight, a heavy metal mix with wailing feedback-laden kazoo solos and there will be kazoo orchestras. There will be customised kazoos covered in gold and a bass version constructed from a six-foot ebony inlaid comb with extra strength tissue paper and built in pick-ups. The kazoo will become the grand piano you can hum. Get one now and avoid the rush.

Art will move in a completely new direction. Instead of actual works, there will exhibitions showing just titles and a pile of resources inviting the public to make something they think fits the title.

It will give art back to the people and stop all the muttering about what is art. A giant kazoo made from the recycled parts of a failed New Year resolution exercise machine could be the first sculpture we see.

The world of fashion will fall into even deeper confusion. The mantra that these days you can wear anything in any combination you like will conflict with the market insistence on telling people what they should like. The key colour tone for this year will be set by the liquor industry. It will be a bilious mixed veges sort of puce so that the well-dressed drinker can throw up and nobody will notice. The matching accessory will be a small watch-like device that indicates whether you are sleeping or unconscious and at risk of dying. This will save critical time for the harried emergency services around the country.

The matter of food presentation will navigate another stylistic corner. We have had the season of the stack. Every restaurant turned your dinner into a tower of food. The pendulum will swing back to something more practical. Meals will come to your table in sectioned plates that separate the flavours and tastes from each other. For those who don't like to mix their food colours or prefer to save the best or worst food items to eat last, this will a blessing.

Whanganui local authority politics will be faced with a ratepayer revolt and a call for early elections in a reaction to the continued one-trick ponies dominating the circus that is the current Whanganui District Council. Debating the prayer and banning of gang patches will not prove sufficiently diverting for the punters, who see a more urgent need for action on matters such as earthquake-proofing buildings, rising unemployment and its associated social fallout. To remind them why they are there, perhaps council meetings should begin with the following proverb:

"Ehara taku toa i te toa takitahi engari he toa takitini"

"My strength is not that of the individual but that of the multitudes."

Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui. He has decided to give up trying to be hip in 2012 and instead aim for interesting. Email: tgs@inspire.net.nz