No presents the ideal gift

Waffle and I are pleased to announce that we have survived another week, one that included Halloween. An annoying tradition where despite years of teaching our kids never to take candy from complete strangers , we encourage our kids not just to take candy from complete strangers, but to actively seek out complete strangers, then ask for candy. It's ridiculous.

I can barely afford to feed my own family, let alone treat them, why in the hell would I be okay with spending what little money I do have on buying candy for a bunch of kids I don't even know and to make matters worse, increasingly, the kids of today seem to expect more and more, like it's their God-given right.

Waffle played his part, looking lean and mean, almost vicious, which kept the kids from trying to breach the gate. All those hours I spent rolling balls of dog crap and then re-rolling them into empty lolly wrappers gone to waste. But if you're not brave enough to breach the security fence and make it to the door-knocking stage then you don't get the reward.

Just Guy Fawkes to get through now before we hand ourselves over to the mass marketing machine that is Christmas. Enduring weeks of relentless pressure by advertisers. Like force-fed turkeys, there will be no escape from this hell unless we decide to cancel Christmas. The idea actually appeals to me. Its true meaning is long lost.

To most it's just an excuse for a few extra days off work. Ironically, all the non-Christians would be the first to complain and cry foul if you were to strip them of these statutory holidays.

With such tough financial times upon us and more pressure than ever to buy, buy, buy and in much larger amounts than we ever used to, I ask should Christmas gifts be banned?

Whether I had money or not my answer would be the same ... yes!

In September, I celebrated my birthday, first one ever where I didn't receive a single card or gift from my family, as per my adamant request and truth be told, it was the best birthday I have ever had. Normally there would presents and cards and dinner out or elaborate takeaway food, this year I asked for nothing except that the lifeforms grant me a day of no fighting.

I spent a little money on buying what was needed to create my special birthday dinner and thanks to the lifeforms gifting me what is a virtual miracle, I had what I can only describe as the perfect day. Now that I know it can be done, I'm all for celebrating Christmas in exactly the same manner. Good food, good behaviour, good times ... not to mention the good memories that last a lifetime.

So my Christmas gift to you is a list of the perfect excuses that you can use on the kids which will more than adequately explain why Santa won't be visiting this year. Please enjoy and choose wisely.

1. Based on complaints made to the Human Rights Commission on the grounds of discriminating against "naughty kids" Santa has been denied a visa by New Zealand Customs officials.

2. Due to the amount of methane produced by the reindeer and in an effort to lower his carbon footprint, Santa has chosen not to visit New Zealand this year.

3. In light of the recent earthquakes in New Zealand and the fact Santa enters most homes via the chimney, he has been unable to get adequate travel, medical and life insurance for himself and the reindeer.

4. Mr and Mrs Claus recently switched to a new Novopay system. As a result, many elves have been receiving the incorrect pay, with some not being paid at all. The elves have since stopped work on the toy assembly line and gone on strike until their pay issues are dealt with.

5. Radar sightings of Santa and his sled have stopped. He was last seen over the Ureweras. Police believe he has fallen into the hands of an elite terrorist cell, known to be operating out of that area. They are awaiting contact from the terrorists in the hope of meeting their demands but regret to inform New Zealand that until they hear from them, Santa, his reindeer and his precious cargo of presents are MIA.

I'm sure you will find the most appropriate excuse for your family somewhere among the above choices. So give the gift of giving everyone a break from the pressure of having to spend mega bucks and just enjoy a day of family, friends, fun and food, or at the very least try to put a reasonable maximum dollar amount on gift-giving. If everything is continually measured by a dollar amount, trust me, it won't amount to much.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with giving, as long as you are in a position to give.

But we do our kids a disservice when we let them think that Christmas or any other gift-giving occasion is dependent on spending ridiculous amounts of money. Waffle agrees so it must be true. Spend less, laugh more ... til next week.