'No' makes life interesting

I HAVE a confession to make - I hate the word "no". I hate hearing it, I hate saying it and I especially hate having to say it to my children.

The reason, I suppose, why I hate the word "no" is that it often leads to disappointment, sadness, frustration and anger. And it most certainly doesn't lend itself to happiness, in the present moment anyway. And I do like people to be happy.

However, as my command on life becomes stronger, I realise that the word "no" can offer far more than it takes away. This all depends on context, of course.

If you are desperately trying to become employed and keep hearing the word "no" then this can become demoralising, but the context that I am thinking about is in relation to my children.

In the past few years, I realise that the word "no" is just as important as the word "yes" in teaching my children valuable lessons in life.

"No" because life isn't easy and children are going to hear this word a lot in their lives.

"No" because children need to learn resourcefulness and to think of other ways to tackle problems.

"No" because adversity has the potential to transform us, allowing us to appreciate what is truly important in life.

"No" because it teaches us to be more creative with what we've got.

"No" because at times children will experience far worse in life than the word "no". They will be hurt, disappointed and treated unfairly, so telling them "no" in childhood is prepping them for the real world and that life isn't fair. "No" because I love my children and want them to become well-adjusted adults, who are kind, altruistic and treat others the way properly.

"No" because I don't want to add more self-entitled, narcissistic adults to this world.

"No" because you can't have chocolate biscuits for breakfast or jump on the trampoline naked in 5C temperatures.

And finally ... "no" because boundaries make children feel safe.

If all we ever heard was "yes" in life, and our plan A was always successful, then I don't think it would make for an interesting world to live in. Nor would it allow people to realise their full potential.

Hearing the word "no" might mean that people have to keep going until they reach plan X Y or Z, but they will learn along the way. And their plan Z is going to be far better than anything they came up with for plan A. This makes all the "nos" seem worthwhile.

This line of thinking is most helpful when dealing with the barrage of "I wants" from your children. My inclination is to say "yes" to everything, so this line of thinking helps me, I hope it helps a few other parents as well.

A registered psychologist with a Masters in Applied Psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in well-being at Auckland University of Technology