More is now more at the bottom of the beauty biz

We have all heard of the saying less is more, and right or wrong it holds a great deal of sway in the beauty business.

We have become accustomed to seeing sickly thin models heavily made up to look as if they are wearing no make up at all.

Thankfully, or not, as the case may be, there are several areas on a woman's body where more is now deemed sexier, super on trend and to some, essential.

The big butt seems a good place to start. First made famous by Jennifer Lopez, the craze for beefy cheeks has reached fever pitch thanks to Kim Kardashian posting pics of a bottle of bubbly and two glasses, balanced beautifully on her protruding behind.

Many have gone under the knife to achieve this look, with very mixed results. Each to their own I guess. A magazine rack I can understand but I draw the line at eating a buffet served from a bum.

Next we have the lips. In the quest for the perfect pout we now have ladies whose lips enter a room a full minute before the rest of them.

I can only imagine how intimidated a man must feel when it comes to the first kiss. Will they be sucked in to some type of vacuum from which they may never re-appear? Will the lips explode, like a white hole, expelling chemical matter into the atmosphere, if too much pressure is applied?

Perhaps an NCEA qualification should be offered:Getting to Grips with False Lips.

And what of the safety for the owner of the lips? Could a sudden wind gust render them blind as the top lip is blown upward, covering their eyes and inhibiting their ability to breathe through their nose. For lip gloss devotees there is also the potential risk of being targeted by a laser pointer. Talk about a meltdown of catastrophic proportions.

There may however be some merit to them as injury reducing "airbags" when it comes to accidents.

Not every beauty enhancement requires surgery or needles though.

False eyelashes have literally taken on a life of their own. Most women choose sensibly, just wanting to achieve a slight increase in length and volume. Others, however, look as if they have been bred in a laboratory, crossing an Old English Sheepdog with a Giant Black Poodle. Some lashes are so lush, not only do they require daily hoovering, they need daily weight training sessions to ensure the wearer has the strength to even keep their eyes open.

Close family and friends should be advised to carry a whistle or emergency flare, should they ever find themselves lost in these veritable Black Forests of the beauty world. Those armed with a safety rope could rappel down to the top lip, assuming the lips aren't pumped to the max with collagen, in which case you will be trampolined straight back to the danger zone.

If Health and Safety are short of industries to focus on, the beauty business or more precisely, vanity, could open up a whole world of new possibilities.

Appropriate too.

It would be like one pain in the bum meeting with another.

■Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Wanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly but does welcome feedback sent to investik8@gmail.com