Make best use of lazy teenagers

It's your right as a parent to turn these seemingly useless parasites into objects of usefulness. WELL, another week has blown/flown by and while I am eternally grateful to have seen a lot less of Mr Dotcom, I am most dismayed to have noticed the infestation of Christmas wares at my local supermarket.

We haven't even made it safely past Halloween and Guy Fawkes yet. I swear each year Christmas promotions begin earlier and earlier. It's yet another unwanted pressure when times are tough enough as it is. No doubt the life forms will be mentally preparing their wish lists before scratching them into the back wall of their cages with sharpened talons, for me to peruse as I do my weekly hose out before leaving fresh straw for bedding. If only they were as easy to please as the Waffle dog. A $3 bag of bones from the butcher and he's happy for days. Such simple pleasures.

Bringing me in a roundabout way to the question of the week: Are children ever cost-effective?

Unless you have birthed the next Justin Bieber or Britney Spears the simple answer is NO! But that is not to say that they are a bad investment. It's up to you to maximise their potential and get yourself a reasonable return. It can be done. Having invested so much for so long, it's your right as a parent to turn these seemingly useless parasites into objects of usefulness, optimising their ability to actually have a purpose and maybe even save you a few dollars along the way.

In these days where every dollar counts you need to explore the possibility of your teen having a "double duty". Below you will find a few of my favourite suggestions for ways your teen can feather your nest before they leave it. You can really let your imagination run wild, you might be surprised to discover just how many uses a teenager actually has. Swap and share them with like-minded parents, you might even want to rent your kids out to others who don't have teens of their own. If you have preteens, some of the tasks may be suitable for them too, but generally speaking teens are just better equipped, physically, to cope with the options listed below. Rest assured, your time will come.

This is the one time having three male-like creatures works in my favour. They are large, sturdy and generally strong, making them the perfect specimens for the tasks I have in mind.

With summer on the way our use of fly sprays and pest-control products will be on the increase. No need to invest in those often pricey timer-controlled devices when you put your teen to work as a "Giant Fly Paper". Simply prepare a mixture of sugar and water. Generously spray your teen from head and toe and then just sit back and watch the magic happen. You can place them wherever takes your fancy. For best results I suggest you allow them an MP3 player to prevent boredom and go some way to appeasing them.

When you feel they have completed the task and the desired result has been achieved, hose them down and let them return to "normal duties". If you have more than one, have them work in shifts for ultimate pest protection.

If like me you are a pet owner, put your teen to work. Arms and legs make for great chew toys for those of you with canine companions. Alternatively, cat lovers might like to attach carpet samples to your teen's body and voila ... mobile scratching posts. The addition of catnip will ensure your cats are drawn to them. This is a great use of a teen as they can actually serve a purpose even while sleeping.

For those of you with teens who are averse to physical activity, make use of them as draft stoppers. Give them a book or a hand-held device of some description and have them lie down across the doorway, tossing them the odd morsel of food to keep them content.

Should your teen prefer to be outdoors, find some old clothes and put them to work as a scarecrow. Not only will they protect your garden, they will get a much-needed dose of vitamin D. It's a win/win. Don't forget to keep them hydrated and remember to slip, slop slap.

If dressmaking is a hobby for you then get your teen involved. They can be of service as a mannequin and/or a large pin-cushion. With most teens these days having multiple piercings, a few pins and needles sticking into them should be a walk in the park.

Every home needs a stepladder for those hard-to-reach places. Next time you need to change a lightbulb or get something from the top cupboard, no need to haul out the ladder and set it up when you can just climb a teen. Not high enough? Fear not, teens are stackable, just pile one on top of the other and climb your way to a job well done.

Annoyed with cars hooning down your street at ridiculous speeds? Household pets and younger kids at risk? Deploy a portable speed bump and slow the buggers down. Simply place your teen strategically in the road and watch as the traffic is instantly slowed by this ingenious safety measure. Panadol and Deep Heat might be required upon completion of this task, but oh how the neighbours will love you.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to give you a general idea of some of the uses your teen has. No doubt you will have ideas of your own. Don't forget to share them with others who may lack the vision. In fact, I think it has all the makings of a bestselling book. Though your teen may object to being utilised in these ways, you need to remind them of the importance of giving back. It's the perfect bribe leading up to Christmas, and some of the above tasks also mean spending quality time together. How can that be a bad thing?

Well, that's me for another week peeps. As always, remember to smile loudly. Catch you next time.