Listening builds relationships

KRISTEN HAMLING stock head and shoulds

ANECDOTAL and academic evidence repeatedly tells us that relationships matter. High quality social connections literally have been shown to make people well. Conversely, loneliness and social isolation have been shown to make people unwell.

Therefore, it appears that a high priority in maintaining well-being should be investing in the quality and quantity of social connections.

In my experience, professionally and personally, poor communication is high up on the list of why many relationships fail. And by poor communication I mean passive and/or aggressive communication, misunderstandings, and poor listening. I want to focus on the last point.

A brave new friend, Russel Herd, asked me the other night what was the key to effective communication. In true Kristen form, I started sprouting off my many ideas, yabbering away for a minute or so. Then he gently probed "what about listening". A terrific point.

We are born with one mouth and two ears for a reason, and this is something I often forget. I get excited about things and often interrupt when other people are talking. Unfortunately, this often means that I interrupt the middle of other people's sentences with the start of mine.

Sitting comfortably with silence is also a challenge for me and I often act like a bloke when listening to people's problems. That is, I often suggest ways to fix the problem, rather than allow the person the time and space to vent and consider options for themselves.

But it is worth the effort to listen effectively.

With effective listening comes intimacy, trust and connectedness. But what does good listening look like?

Good listening involves a decent amount of non-verbal communication. We can convey interest, enthusiasm, love and attention solely through non-verbal communication. This involves mirroring the emotion of the other person (smiling when they smile or frowning when they frown), using appropriate eye contact and minimising distractions.

Good listening also involves being "active and constructive" in how you communicate. This means showing the other party you have been listening. You might ask for more information, empathise with them, tell them how you feel, but always remember to remain focused on the topic at hand.

Good listening does not involve "passive or deconstructive" responding, whereby you respond with little interest, or you hijack the conversation and make it about yourself. Let's say your friend tells you they've had this terrible day at work. You could respond in one of four ways:

Active + Constructive "On no, you poor thing. Why was it such a bad day; what happened?"

Passive + Constructive "That isn't good; oh, well."

Active + Deconstructive "Didn't you have the same problem last month? Why don't you just do x, y, or z?"

Passive + Deconstructive "Oh really? Well, so did I. Let me tell you about my day."

The first response shows that you have listened and that you care. The other responses show the opposite. Researchers have shown that people who listen in "active and constructive" ways experience stronger and more intimate relationships than people who respond in "passive and deconstructive" ways.

Active and constructive listening also builds trust into relationships. When people feel they have been heard and listened to, they are far more likely to trust you and enjoy your company.

The benefits of effective listening are well documented, so it is worth the effort to listen actively and constructively. This is certainly a journey for me and I'd encourage it to be yours as well.

-A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in well-being at Auckland University of Technology