Lessons for us in tragic deaths

The inquest into the tragic deaths of 9-year-old Bradley Livingstone and his sister Ellen, 6, was completed last week. Their father Edward Livingstone shot his children in January 2014 and then himself.

These deaths have lessons for us all.

The inquest shows clear danger signs: Livingstone's wife and children were at serious risk of harm. These "red flags" are known by family violence intervention specialists but not by friends, neighbours, workmates and family members who are in a position to recognise them and contact crisis services. The danger signs are:

+Threats to kill: Livingstone told people he wanted to kill his family and how.
+Intimidation: he asked his children to give bullet cases to their mother.
+Sexual abuse: he raped his wife with their daughter in the house and knocking on the bedroom door.
+Stalking: after they separated, Livingstone was seen following his wife.
+He breached the protection order more than once.
+There was previous violence. ¦Family members were very fearful.

If we know of any of these signs the best help we can give is to keep survivors of family violence safe and to alert crisis services - and to keep on telling these services if we are not being heard.

If we all know the danger signs we can save lives. The 2014 New Zealand Family Violence Death Review Committee calls for all of us to "challenge the unacceptable level of intergenerational violence in our families" and reminds us that treating family violence as trivial or normal "fails people who are at risk of being killed" and the children exposed to it. Forty-three per cent of Aotearoa New Zealand deaths are caused by assault by a family member.

Family violence affects all people, directly or indirectly. It is not OK to live in fear. Any behaviour that makes someone feel controlled and fearful is never OK. Everyone in a family should feel safe and nurtured.

In Whanganui on average each month 178 babies/children are exposed to family violence in incidents noted by the Police. Police research also tells us 80 per cent of family violence incidents are not reported. Children who see or hear family violence suffer long-term or lifelong consequences.

Listen to your intuition. If you feel something is not right, act on it. We can make a difference to the safety and respect in our families and community. Let's take abusive attitudes and behaviour seriously - including threats to ourself and others.

Clare Fearnley is the network and projects coordinator with the Whanganui Family Violence Intervention Network.