Kristen Hamling: Be happy by not being mean

POSITIVITY begets positivity, right? I generally like to write about positive things, aimed to inspire, motivate or challenge people to do better than they did yesterday.

Yet, the time has come for me to do some straight talking on a topic that isn't so positive. It's about mean people who seem not to care so much if they offend others.

I'm not talking about the occasional mishap, for instance, when you've asked a lady when her baby is due and she ain't pregnant (nails down the chalkboard - yes I've made this comment); or someone with a touch of Asperger's tells you the meal you've spent ages lovingly preparing is "disgusting"; or when someone blames you for something that wasn't your fault but later apologises.

Although these are mean-type behaviours, they do not necessarily reflect negatively upon the person. They are temporary and people are often remorseful after they realise their actions have caused harm to another.

I am talking about the kind of person that makes other people feel bad (humiliated, belittled, de-energised) to make themselves feel good. And they seem to have little remorse in doing so. Think Gordon Ramsey.

Given that the world population currently stands at about 7 billion, our future rests on the human race's ability to work together. We need to humble ourselves to be able to draw upon each other's strengths to build a strong future. With this in mind, here are five ways not to be mean.

Remain humble

Dr Robert Sutton relays a great story about humility in his book The No Asshole Rule: Building A Civilised Workplace and Surviving One that Isn't.

A highly successful ex-student of Robert, Charlie, was travelling out of town to attend a Rhodes Scholar interview. Whilst waiting at the train station he noticed an elderly couple standing close by. Known to be a really nice guy, Charlie offered the couple his seat, which they gratefully accepted. When Charlie attended the Rhodes Scholar interview he noticed the elderly man was on the selection committee. Needless to say, he was awarded the Rhodes Scholarship.

As CS Lewis said, "True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." Introduce a bit more humility into your life and treat other people the way you would like to be treated yourself.

Take responsibility

Don't blame everyone else for your misfortune. Ultimately, no matter how much bad luck or bad deeds are sent our way, we always, ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.

If you persistently blame other people for your misfortunes, or expect someone else to fix your predicament, then you are going to limit your success in life. Alternatively, dig deep and take some responsibility for fixing the predicament yourself, even if you didn't cause it.

Practice empathy

We all have our own unique perspectives that are based on our previous experiences. Rather than persuading other people to adopt your point of view, try seeing things from their perspective. By understanding other people's world view we find it easier to accept their choices and the decisions they have made. Try to learn more about other people, they may have something to teach you.

Focus on the strengths in other people

Each and every one of us has a unique blend of strengths. Just because you are amazing at hedge funds, does not mean you are better than anyone else. We all are amazing at something, and it doesn't matter what that something is, we all contribute to the world in our own way.

Use your manners, with everyone

Manners say a lot about what kind of person you are. But, selective manners (i.e. when you choose to show your manners to people you believe are worthy of them) say a lot more.

So don't think you are better than anyone else. Everyone has a role to play in making this world a success. People who collect my garbage deserve AS MUCH respect as the CEO of a multinational. We are all doing the best we can with the resources we have been given.

Respect and Word Out.