Kind words most effective in teaching kids life lessons

Lynette Archer from Skip Wanganui

Treating children with warmth and being involved in their lives sounds simple.

All we have to do is be warm and loving, give lots of praise and say lots more positive things than negative things - the recommendation is to try a ratio of six to eight positive interactions or comments to every negative.

This all sounds straightforward, but how do we do it? Today we look at the essentials - Relationships, Respect, Love and Encouragement.

At SKIP we know the secrets of any happy relationship include taking time for fun, showing love, encouraging each other and mutual respect. We know this is especially important for our children and also works for all our relationships.

We need to ask ourselves; what things do we do to create fun memories? How can we prioritise spending time doing this? What are the things that we do or say to encourage each other? (e.g. notice efforts and improvements; send 'You Can Do It' messages; focus on the positive not the negative).How do we show each other respect? And how do children know that they are cared about and loved?

The more ways we can find to do these things, the better our relationships will be.

What do kids think about Respect? On a SKIP DVD called Children's Voices, this is what children say about the way they would like to be treated by their parents:

Talk to us softly and nicely

Don't get too angry

Speak to us nicely so we can speak to them nicely

Be friendly

Use a happy voice

Tell us the right things to do

Help me if I'm feeling cross

Give me good choices - then let me choose one

Kiss and cuddle me when I'm upset

Leave me alone to think when I need it

Don't talk to me really loud when I'm upset

Comfort me

Help me to have a good heart

There are many ways to show love. Parents and caregivers show love to their children by doing kind and thoughtful things for them. Things like tending their accidents gently, keeping them safe from harm, hugs, cuddles and kisses, creating little surprises, giving them their full attention regularly, saying encouraging things to them and laughing together.

The answer that children give most often when asked "How do you know that Mum (or Dad, or someone else close to them) loves you?" is "Because they do fun things with me". These things might be chasing, swimming, hide and seek, rolling around together, building huts, cultural activities, picnics, cooking ... the list is endless.

Encouragement helps us focus on what is good about people, and by doing so we enable them to achieve it. Respect involves building kids up, instead of knocking them down. When your four year old writes a word on your book or a two year old plays with the remote, instead of growling show appreciation of their learning process and suggest a different way of learning - one that does not ruin your things! It is also important to resist defending our actions with negative comments like "We'll never get anywhere if I don't stick the occasional bomb underneath him", or "He has to learn, it's for his own good".

As Gran used to say - you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar! A few kind and encouraging words can be more of a bomb underneath us than harsh or disapproving ones. After all, how do YOU like to be treated when you are learning something new?

SKIP has lots of free parenting resources, if you'd like a set contact Lynette and Liza at SKIP Whanganui text or phone 027 626 1404, or 345 3008 or email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz