The first was a guy with the username D. Fector. He lived in New Plymouth but not keen on the whole long distance thing I ruled him out. The second was Vlad The Impaler, who boasted about his high success rate ... talk about men and their egos. Impaler or not, I don't do booty calls so I deleted him quick smart.
My third match was to a guy called Sir.G.Oh whose hobbies included target shooting and code cracking. A lover of puzzles and a keen cryptic crossworder myself, I felt an instant connection. And, like me, he loathed bugs.
Originally from Russia, he had lived here for several years. His profile was a little vague but it just made him all the more mysterious.
I went to bed that night, already planning our wedding.
Wanting to impress, I decided to message him in code and see if he could figure it out. He didn't disappoint and messaged back in record time.
Our communications continued for a few days. He remained very guarded, but I put it down to trust issues. He spoke fondly of his handler, so I assumed he worked with animals. Could he be any more perfect? Apart from his unnatural interest in my shoe size (he clearly had a foot fetish), no alarm bells were ringing.
We finally agreed to meet and exchange "gifts", as he put it. Safety conscious me insisted upon a public place, so we settled on a park bench in the central business district — he'd be wearing glasses, a trench coat and holding a newspaper, and I'd be carrying the "special limited edition" umbrella I'd recently purchased from Kaye. G. Bee on TradeMe.
I'd used it only once — to prod the cat for scratching the furniture. She slept for nearly 24 hours straight. it was weird.
Anyway, gift in hand, we met and enjoyed coffee.
He was ruggedly handsome and I was smitten, and he clearly cared for me judging on how concerned he was for my fear of bugs, insisting that I search them out and destroy any I found, as soon as I returned home. We exchanged the gifts we promised not to open until we were alone.
Sir G then insisted we meet again to de-brief. Now, it may have been a while, but the thought of removing my underwear on a second date was a bit on the nose. Nevertheless, any hopes of having my nether regions declared a new National Park, were dashed. This called for a Brazilian!
At home, I searched for bugs and found three of those annoying clicky beetles before sitting down to open my gift. It was a pair of very sensible shoes. Maybe he wanted me to dress up as a librarian. Kinky.
I hoped he enjoyed my gift of lemon meringue cheesecake.
Examining the shoes more closely, I tugged gently on the left heel which opened up to reveal a hidden phone. How Maxwell Smart, I thought. So quirky and adorable.
I turned on the telly. Good ole Cinders was reassuring Kiwis that Russian spies were not a problem for New Zealand. What a bloody relief. I picked up my shoe-phone to share this great news with Sir G.
*Kate Stewart is now in "deep cover" — your top secret and redacted feedback is welcome at: investik8@gmail.com
