Kate Stewart: The Winston show pulls out all the tricks

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters.

Oh, the theatre of the long-awaited coalition announcement.

Those in the know would have been prepared to make a night of it. Wine, without a Wine Box Inquiry, a few beers, chips and popcorn, maybe even a friend or two to commiserate or celebrate with, depending on your politics.

Regular programming would, of course, be thrown into chaos as networks scrambled to commence their post-announcement analysis of such a monumental decision.

Timed to absolute perfection, to ensure the news hour was not only to be interrupted but ran well over, Winston condescendingly informed us how lucky we all were to have an outcome so swiftly and shame on the poor Germans who would have to wait months before knowing their fate.

I just about choked. Yeah, been there - done that, got the T-shirt to prove it and I'm fairly sure if my memory serves correctly that it was Winston holding the country to ransom, for what seemed like an eternity. Maybe senility or dementia are catching up with the seasoned Kingmaker but he had a cheek using such an analogy to make the rest of us feel grateful to him for his supposed speed even though he was unable to keep to his own original deadline.

From that senior citizen moment of forgetfulness, we then went to the ridiculously childish refusal to discuss anything about the Green's role in the coalition.

Needed but clearly not wanted by Peters, his petty immaturity was all too evident. If he had toys on hand they would have been flung from the pram in disgust. I was half-pie expecting him to throw himself to the ground and have a right old temper-tanty.

Next came the "blame game" insurance policy - used by every party for centuries. The bit where they say change is coming, we're going to do our best, blah, blah, blah, but if we fail it will be because we inherited such a shambles from the previous government.

Yawn ... really? That old chestnut. A man who couldn't even win his own seat yet holds all the power really thinks that we are so unintelligent as to believe such a pathetic excuse.

And just why does he feel the need to prepare us for such doom so early on in the piece ... does he not have full faith in his own decision?

Then there's the promise of the abolition of the Maori seats, broken before we even begin ... yep, we're off to a great start.

Looking at the deal that was struck, one has to wonder if he made his choice based on what's best for the country as opposed to what best served him.

Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Minister sound awfully familiar. Not sure if it's deja vu or Groundhog Day, but no surprises here. Who wouldn't want the job that comes with the extra perk of luxury world travel at taxpayer's expense?

But it's the P out of MMP that disturbs me the most. There's nothing proportional about how many Cabinet positions his party managed to secure based on the percentage of the party vote.

Maybe the P should stand for preposterous.

I can understand why National wouldn't tolerate such a demand and can only hope that Labour doesn't live to regret it. With similar concessions having to be made for the Greens it's going to be a tough and tempestuous Cabinet to control, regardless of who is at the helm.

We can only hope the future political picture is bright - unlike the colour you get when the mix the coalition partners by their party colours which yields a pretty murky shade.
Well done Winston? Like your name, you got your win, let's just hope you're not a (mill)stone around New Zealand's neck.

■ investik8@gmail.com