Once humanely caught, culled and suitably aged, chefs and home cooks would then be invited to create tasty gourmet dishes to be enjoyed by the brave, paying public.
Mmmm ... spiced ginger tom dim sim, roasted rack of tortoiseshell with a burnt orange jus or maybe pickled paws, declawed of course, with a smoked fennel slaw and for the kids a crispy fried cat tail and chips.
I've emailed Tom Jones regarding a live performance of What's New Pussycat. I'm sure he'll get back to me any day now.
Whether repleted, repulsed or a little of both, festival-goers would then retire for the evening in preparation for Saturday's big event, the Running of the Tools.
Loosely based on the Running of the Bulls, the Tools will be an eclectic mix of local and national bozos who have in some way wronged our fair city.
Wrangled and herded into a holding pen, by any means necessary, the Tools will then be transported to Cooks Gardens where they will be released and forced to run the track whilst being hotly pursued by an angry mob who have paid handsomely for the chance to catch one and deal out some vigilante justice. Fun for all the family, there will be free face painting and a bouncy castle for the kids.
Last but certainly not least and a personal favourite, Sunday would see the more leisurely Glassholes event. An inspired and creative use of unsightly empty store-fronts, if I do say so myself.
Local painters and artists would be invited to turn entire shop windows into colourful works of art, except for one little spy hole that the viewer can peer through to highlight the name of the artist.
The Avenue would be turned into an open-aired art gallery where people could gently meander their way down to the river, not only admiring the Glassholes but hopefully stopping for coffee, food and a bit of retail therapy.
Whether still life, graffiti or surrealism, talented artists would get the chance to express themselves, get valuable exposure and enhance the street appeal of the main drag. It's a win/win.
You might think I'm taking the p*ss but with a few tweaks, I think I could be on to something. We could swap the cat out for Possum and call it Possumbilities and the Running of the Tools could be an almost fun, comedic event done with the consent of all concerned, in the knowledge that no Tool will be harmed (much).
As for Glassholes, that should be adopted regardless.
Email your Tool nominations to investik8@gmail.com
