Kate Stewart: Say what?

Kate Stewart - Thinking Out Loud

Last week I used the truism, actions speak louder than words.

Whether you know them as truisms, adages or sayings you heard growing up, it got me thinking. While many have stood the test of time, I feel in this much more modern and PC world that a few of them could do with some updating, for a better fit of today's thinking, as warped as it may be.

So here goes.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush should now be: A bird in the hand will most likely crap on you and/or pass on some type of deadly avian flu. As for the two in the bush, they are clearly up to no good or are fearful to "come out" due to bullying and acceptance issues.

The early bird catches the worm could be amended to: The early bird catches the worm only because it wasn't killed by a cat, due to the mass culling of moggies proposed by Gareth Morgan.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy needs to be reworded completely: Hard working Jack has no time for play because he's too freaking busy meeting all the health and safety guidelines.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. This may be rewritten many ways, here's just one suggestion: If at first you don't succeed, Google it, or blame it on the PC do-gooders.

A problem shared is a problem halved will read much better as: A problem shared via social media will most likely go viral and could also become a money earner on the Givealittle website.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going would be more apt if it read: When the going gets tough, councils and governments will always find a way to make things even tougher.

A friend in need is a friend indeed definitely needs a rewrite: A friend on Facebook is most likely a troll, catfish, scammer or worse, someone you've never even met.

apple a day keeps the doctor away now needs to be updated to: An apple a day keeps the doctor away, providing you have the income to buy fresh fruit.

Age before beauty should just be deleted altogether thanks to plastic surgery, Botox and laser procedures. Let's face it some have had so many lifts they take it on the chin when it probably came from their thigh!

And finally, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. This clearly falls foul of all the "expert dietary advice" in regards to obesity and oral hygiene so should therefore be altered to: A treat free of sugar, nuts, gluten, lactose, food colouring, preservatives and fat will help the medicine go down. Good bloody luck finding one of those.

With a list of over a thousand truisms I may have to revisit this theme again, it's been fun. If you have any suggestions that you'd like to share with me, I'd love to hear from you.

I'll be back next week, as sure as death and taxes, but hopefully not as depressing. Smile loudly till then.
■Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Wanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly but does welcome feedback sent to investik8@gmail.com.