Kate Stewart: Re-write the Christmas carols ... tis the season to spend, spend, spend

Columnist·Whanganui Chronicle·

9 Dec, 2017 02:01 AM4 mins to read

Christmas ... for me it's a love/hate relationship.

Despite the reluctant parent that I am, I both relish and cherish the time I get to spend with the lifeforms and this Mothership is clearly programmed to respond to the notion of family time.

But I can't help but detest the commercialism and the constant pressure to spend, spend, spend. That compulsion to out-do what you did last year as if the dollar amount equates to your worth as a caregiver.

Had I demanded from my parents the equivalent of an iPhone, iPad or Xbox in my day, I would have been shot down in flames and laughed from here to eternity.

These days, however, it just seems par for the course.

The irony is that while we are happy to blame a government — any government, left or right — for our economic downfall, we are actually more at risk of drowning in our own personal debt. Go online and check out what is currently owed by individuals in first world countries. The figures are both staggering and eye-opening.

So, with that in mind, I felt duty-bound to take the time to rewrite a couple of well known Christmas songs, in the vain hope they'll go viral, as a warning to us all.

FLEECING YOU FOR EVERY CENT WE CAN
(To the tune of: Walking In A Winter Wonder Land)

Cash drawers ring, are you listening; in the tills coins are glistening,
Fire up the eftpos, it's profit, not loss,
Fleecing you for every cent we can.

Our ads are well crafted, we know you're being shafted,
We tell you it's cheap, you follow like sheep,
Fleecing you for every cent we can.

We don't give a crap that you are struggling,
Our sole aim's to get you to spend more.
You could be as poor as a church mouse,
Our credit deals will keep you in our store.

You're now broke and in debt, but we're not done with you yet
You'll spend even more, Boxing Day deals in store,
Fleecing you for every cent we can

ONLINE SHOPS
(To the tune of: Jingle Bells)

Clicking with your mouse on the bargain of the day,
Signifies to us, that you are easy prey.
Sitting there at home, on your big fat bum,
We're rubbing our hands in glee at the spending that's to come.

Chorus
Online sales, online sales,
Profits rise each day,
Oh, what fun it is to con your hard earned cash away
Online sales. online sales,
You're our consumer bitch.
Buy now or pay later, either way, you make us rich

You may be dead broke, it's not our job to guess
If worse comes to the worst, we can repossess
With Christmas day now gone and bills you dread and fear,
We don't give a toss, cos you'll be back next year.

Even if you can afford the demands of today's entitled kids and/or overly expectant adults. is a text from within your home, alerting them that Xmas dinner is ready, remotely comparable to real-time spent in the presence of someone you love?

The making of a memory that will last a lifetime as opposed to one that is bound by battery life or that of a hard drive, of some description.

Just because you can isn't reason enough.

The entitled may not thank you now ... but they will - eventually - and that will be the greatest gift ever. #spendtimenotmoney

*Your seasonally gift wrapped feedback and songwriting requests are always welcome at investik8@gmail.com