Much like the Sunday trading of old, use of it comes with a hefty fine, as does the playing of holiday music containing said word. Christmas spirit seems to be at an all-time low.
After a referendum costing $31 million, it was decided to re-name Santa's reindeer to foster the Auckland Regional Migrant Services' call for inclusion and to better reflect the ethnic diversity of New Zealand.
The new names are Sione, Frank, Kanako, Ahmed, Rangi, Dipak, Min-Li and Kourtney.
We are still awaiting a judge's landmark ruling after a moose owner claimed preferential treatment of a species when his moose was denied an interview for the position of sleigh-puller at Santa's workshop. The ruling has the potential to open up the position to any and all in the animal kingdom.
A personal visit to Santa, once a highlight in a child's life, is still available but has become more of a mission. The kids arrive fresh-faced and full of fun, but first there is the paperwork - liability waivers, health and safety guidelines, expectations of behaviour and the three-item limit on the want list.
Kids are then herded into the selection room where, via a two-way mirror, they are subjected to a Santa line-up of sorts.
There are now male and female Santas to choose from in a variety of ages and sizes. A few still sport the traditional white beard but the red suit is a thing of the past, being outlawed in a bid to quell any fears of gang connections and communist ties. Others on offer are wearing turbans, burkas and kippahs and their costumes are equally diverse.
The child selects the Santa they want and it's on to the meet-and-greet. This takes place at a table where Santa and child are separated by a perspex screen and can talk via inter-connected phones, much like those you see in a prison visit. This has been deemed necessary not only to limit the risk of inappropriate touching but to ensure the safety of Santa, after several unfortunate incidents involving spoiled, entitled and out of control kids that sadly resulted in injury.
Both parties have their picture taken and photo-shopping takes care of the rest. Upon leaving the experience the child is given a token which they can then redeem for a pre-approved healthy treat. All children get given a certificate of participation, and those in year 10 and over also qualify for NCEA credits.
Counsellors are on hand for any child who may be feeling traumatised after their visit.
Yep, the silly season has now become the downright ridiculous season - and we're not done yet, though maybe the traditional turkey is.
Join me next week to discover its fate and so much more when we complete our journey into the politically correct world of Christmas Future.
Sorry, but I'm not holding out much hope for the Christmas fruit tart ...
-Kate Stewart, a staunch advocate of common sense and three-ply toilet tissue, is looking for somewhere to hang up her Christmas stocking - suggestions to: investik8@gmail.com
