Kate Stewart: Muzak better than dimwit in call centre

ENJOYING JORDAN: Kate Stewart had better luck with the music when calling the IRD that a resolution to her problem.

The phone call went something like the following. (Please excuse any paraphrasing, I just can't stomach the thought of going through it all again to give you the exact wording).

IRD: Welcome to Inland Revenue, please say or key in your IRD number or say I don't have it.

Me:I'm already overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom but: I key in my number.

IRD: So I can best direct your call, blah, blah, blah ...

Me: Tax refund.

IRD: A tax refund is a blah, blah, blah ... A family tax credit is a blah, blah, blah.

Me (to self): It wouldn't surprise me if the poor guy who recorded all this shite is an a mental facility somewhere.

IRD: Blah, blah blah, refund, credit or something else.

Me: Tax refund.

Thought bubble: I've just wasted three minutes of my life listening to you drone on, only to give the exact same response I gave in the first place ... yep, this is government efficiency in motion.

IRD: Is the refund in question personal or business?

Me: Personal.

IRD: Are you self-employed, blah, blah, blah.

Me (to self): They need to add frustrated to the list.

Me: Self-employed.

IRD: Please hold while I direct your call to someone who can help.

Me (to self): Woohoo ... progress.

I hear four ringtones, then...

IRD: All our team members are busy on other calls, blah, blah blah, please hold and someone will blah, blah, blah.

The Kiwi classic, Maxine, comes booming through the phone.

Me (to self): Well this is way better than the average hold music you get. The type that sounds like a depressed walrus singing opera with a strangulated hernia.

Me: Maxine, case 1352, a red and green tattoo ... (yep, I'm singing along).

Some time later ... after listening to Body and Soul, The Dance Exponents launch in to Victoria. It's a blast from the past and I'm kind of hoping I get to hear the whole song.

Me: ... meeting in the places that she's never been to, she's got a mind but it's the clothes they see through. Victoria, what do you want from him, wa-ant from him? Vic ... ring tone.

Me (to self): Bugger, I was really enjoying that, it's bloody typical.

David: You're speaking with David, how can I help you?

Me (to self): You probably can't or won't but I'm a sucker for punishment.

Without going into too much detail I launch into my spiel about being overtaxed and therefore, technically, underpaid.

Then I question how they can keep my tax return and use it to pay off some of my student loan even though I am earning below the threshold and where is the incentive to work when I now know that I will continue to be overtaxed on a weekly basis?

David: But we have your earnings at $21,000.

Me: And I'm still supporting two kids, excuse me for living the high life. (That was sarcasm) Ok, can you give me the email address of someone I can write to, please.

David: I'm sure I can answer all your questions, would you mind holding for a moment while I bring up your files.

Me: Go right ahead, I'll get my butler to hold the phone for me. (Yes, sarcasm again).

Dave Dobbyn's Loyal is mid way through.

Me (to self): Blam Blam Blam's There is No Depression might be a more appropriate song choice right now.

David: Thanks for holding, I see that Student Services are still open, perhaps they can be of more help to you, would you like me to transfer you?

Me: No, I bloody wouldn't. So what can I do to get myself on to a tax code that taxes me fairly and correctly in the first place.

David: Nothing really, unless you apply for a tax exemption and then pay us direct at the end of the financial year.

Me: Your motto is, It's our job to be fair, would you be happy to be underpaid every week due to being overtaxed? Does that seem fair to you? Just forget it. I know when I'm fighting a losing battle and my maid has just informed me that my Champagne bubble bath is ready. (Yes, more sarcasm). Thanks for nothing. (hang up).

Me (to self): To think... that I took precious time out from my manifesto to make that call. Refining my policy on the absolute necessity of three-ply toilet paper for all.

May sound ridiculous to many but after the crappy conversation I just endured, nothing less will stand up to the mess.

I wouldn't recommend my experience to anyone but in saying that, if you're looking for some good music, give IRD a call. They may be out of tune with reality, but their choice in music hits all the right notes.

-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever. Your feedback is welcome: investik8@gmail.com