My confidential informants tell me local OCs (opinion critics) are spreading rumours of a conspiracy between us, based on your opinion of my opinion of their opinion, which could affect public opinion.
I wanted to thank you for your support and with IRD recently confirming my wealth status, I thought a financial reward would be in order.
I realise many may view it as inappropriate, so earlier this week I embarked on a covert mission to ensure your reward can not be traced back to me.
First stop was the bank, where I withdrew the entire contents of my savings account.
No rookie mistakes from me - to avoid marked bills and sequential bank notes, I took the precaution of asking for the cash in coin. The balance was a staggering $8.63. The teller gave me four $2 coins. I left the 63 cents in place, to keep the account open. I hope you don't think I'm stiffing you.
I needed double-sided tape to complete the mission but did not think it wise to leave an electronic trail, so I had to use half your reward money in my bid to avoid detection. I'm sure you'll understand.
Working on the assumption I was being followed, I thought it best to wait until nightfall before returning home.
Unfortunately that meant more parking metre money. I was forced to use a further $2 from your funds. Better safe than sorry, right?
Upon entering my home, I had the feeling that I was being watched, but I bravely fought the impulse to turn on any lights. I could just feel that eyes were on me. It was the cats, their dinner was long overdue. I fumbled in the pantry for the Friskies and filled their bowl.
I spent the next half hour "laundering" the remainder of the loot. First I soaked it in a warm dilution of lemon bleach and water before scrubbing it with some Persil Ultimate. I thought fabric softener would be a bit redundant on metal. I dried it off with luxury three-ply toilet tissue.
I then made my way to the bedroom, where I crawled into the wardrobe, lit a candle and proceeded to paint the last remaining coin with black nail polish.
Happy with all I had accomplished but exhausted, I then climbed into bed to grab 40 winks.
I woke at sparrow's fart, determined to complete the mission. The cats were all over me. I went to make coffee and noticed their food bowl was untouched. In the dark I'd mistaken the Friskies for Kitty Litter. I quickly rectified my mistake, knocked back a cup of instant, threw Waffle a bone and was out the door.
I retrieved the double-sided tape from the glovebox and placed a strip on the painted coin.
The streets were pretty much deserted. I parked on the Parade and crossed the road to the giant pencil sculptor where I casually affixed the loot to a black stripe on the largest HB.
You may want to deposit the funds and route them through several off-shore accounts to avoid the taxman. I'll leave that decision to you. Whatever you choose to do, spend it wisely, my friend.
A handsome reward? I guess that's a matter of opinion ... but it's the thought that counts.
P.S I ran out of petrol on the way home so I had to go back and "borrow" the $2 for gas money. I.O.U.
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever. Your feedback is welcome: investik8@gmail.com
