Kate Stewart: Life-saving surgery needed on hospital food

The doctor strode into the room with an air of confidence.

The scene spoke of a gruesome massacre.

"OK, what are we looking at here, some kind of accident?"

The coroner was the first to greet him.

"CSI thought it an accident at first but the evidence suggests that the crime was intentional, possibly premeditated. We have multiple fatalities, I have pronounced them, but we believe, with your skill, the rest can be saved."

"Any connection to the other recent cases? Do we have cause of death yet?"

"The MO is almost identical," replied the coroner.

"Though there are several contributing factors, I believe the final cause of death is due to severe neglect bought on by DUS."

"Dammit, that's two breakfasts and a tea meal butchered in the past eight days. We're not going to lose this lunch, to Deliberate Under-Seasoning, not on my watch. These serial slaughterers need to stopped. Where do you want me start?"

"Your team are scrubbing in now," said the coroner.

"The pastry is in bad shape, limp and unresponsive but vitals are steady, the steak is dangerously dehydrated. The kidneys were DOA, rigamortis was present. I think the mash and veg can survive with the right treatment."

With his team now assembled and just 40 minutes until service the pressure was on. Dr Cook, GP (Gastronomic Practitioner) calmly began issuing instructions.

"Prepare a seasoned milk infusion for the kidneys, I need 16 units of stock, a saline drip and rosemary to save the beef. The pastry needs an egg wash sponge bath. We can resuscitate it in a hot oven."

The room was now filled with an electric energy as the team moved with urgency and purpose. Wonderful aromas were now present in the air, over-riding the smell of death previously emitted by the kidneys. Their tortured remains now concealed under a white cloth to preserve their dignity.

Cook moved between stations, tasting, adjusting and expertly administering large injections of flavour.

"We can revive with mash, treat it with butter and cream. When will people realise that mono-unsaturated fats are actually good for you?"

You could sense his utter frustration.

"Prepare a dressing of honey, butter and parsley for the carrots and lightly steam spinach adding just a hint of nutmeg. Make sure my quinelling spoons have been sterilised, it's almost time to plate."

The steak had responded well to re-hydration. The soft poached kidneys were added before thickening the stock to form a tasty gravy. The pastry rounds had puffed beautifully, forming a crunchy golden brown crown for the protein . Quinells of soft potato made a perfect pillow for the glazed carrots and spinach to rest upon. The team stepped back to admire their work.

The plate was vibrant, balanced and healthy and achieved the ultimate goal. It was good enough to eat, proving the food needs as much TLC as the patients.

It doesn't take much in terms of effort or cost. The secret ingredients are passion with a healthy dose of pride in one's work.

Hospital stays are not much fun for anyone but instead of adding salt to the wounds, by serving up slop, they should start by adding salt to the food.

Feel free to feed me your feedback: investik8@gmail.com.

- Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Whanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly, but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever - your feedback is welcome: investik8@gmail.com.