Having a successful conventional relationship is hard enough at the best of times, I simply can't fathom the level of deception and energy that must be required to literally live a secret life on the side.
Even more surprising to me is the website's incredible membership numbers. I knew a website that actively promoted the having of affairs would find a market, I just didn't expect it to be so huge. It's quite sad really, so many discontented people in the world.
But, what better time to take a few minutes to evaluate your current personal status and take part in my highly unscientific quiz, which will help you better understand the true nature of your current relationship.
Grab a pen and let's get going:
1. Which of the following best describes your relationship?
A. Boiling over with intense heat and/or often volatile. B. A slow simmering boil that gives off just the right amount of steam. C. Boiled dry and/or burnt to a crisp.
2. What's the quickest way to your mate's heart?
A. Expensive gifts and flashy dates. B. Lots of little thoughtful and romantic gestures. C. A Bullet to the chest.
3. When was the last time you had a date?
A. We're barely apart. Our life is like one continuous date. B. We try hard to have special alone time at least once a week. C. In a scone.
4. Which of the following would best appeal to your partner?
A. A remote sandy beach with lots of skinny dipping and sickly sweet cocktails. B. A remote country cabin, with a log fire and a bottle of merlot. C. A remote control, a bucket of chicken and some home brew.
5.Do you and your mate sleep ... ?
A. Rarely, it's like a live action movie in our bedroom. B. In on the weekends if possible and always share a bed. C. In separate beds and always with one eye open.
6. What is the biggest benefit of your being together?
A. The "living life on the edge" philosophy. B. The life-long connection/friendship. C. The eventual life insurance payout.
7. You notice a stranger admiring your partner, are you ... ?
A. Overcome by the green-eyed-monster and immediately on the look-out for a sharp object. B. Completely secure. You even appreciate the fact that your mate is attractive to others. C. Gobsmacked and check for a white cane or a seeing eye dog.
8. In terms of depth, which of the following best applies to your relationship?
A. Sky high, like a pressure cooker just exploded on the ceiling. B. On solid ground. Down to earth but with enough peaks to keep things interesting. C. Six feet under. Well and truly dead and buried.
If you answered mostly A, as in A for Ashley Madison and artificial, you have problems. The relationship is long on lust but short in substance and borders on unhealthy. Yes, there's a spark but you're certainly playing with fire. The shallowness, jealousy and insecurity are all huge red flags that can be seen in spite of all the smoke. On the upside, when you crash and burn, in spectacular fashion, your matching restraining orders may fuel the flame a little longer.
If you answered mostly B, as in B for beautifully balanced, you have a true and lasting connection. You don't take it for granted and make a genuine effort to keep the fire burning. While it may seem ordinary at times you need to remember that deep and meaningful relationships like yours are more extraordinary than you think. Hold on tight to what you have.
If you answered mostly C, as in C for catastrophic, it's a clear case of familiarity breeding contempt. Why you are still together is just beyond me. I can only assume that you have been hoarding the bad memories and broken dreams for so long now, you can't find your way to the front door. Not only have you lost the love, you've lost yourself. The choice is yours, you can stay and be buried alive or make the brave decision to dig your way out to a single life.
Please note that, if needed, I am available for one-on-one consultations on days with an X in them. Till next time, smile loudly.
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools gladly but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever - your feedback is welcome:investik8@gmail.com
