Kate Stewart: Hard to wing it if swat team's main mission is to maintain no-fly zone

LETTING FLY: Kate Stewart goes Superfly.

Humans, they just disgust me.

Thinking they're so superior. Always bitching and moaning and feeding on drama and they stereotype us and give us a bad name. Fly on the wall they say. They're the real flies on the wall, living vicariously through their tacky reality shows because their own lives are so shallow and pathetic. Like they're the only lifeforms that have problems.

Terrorism. They don't know the meaning of the word. We live with chemical warfare on a daily basis. Toxic sprays, electrocution, snot-nosed, budding psychopathic kids ripping our wings off and they think themselves civilised, even when they're killing each other.

Too selfish to stop and think what another species may endure.

We encounter the same issues you do. Addiction, bullying, poverty, immigration and more, but you'd never know because you're too self-absorbed to care.

Humans, the only species to drown themselves in debt and measure success by monetary wealth. It's sad really.

I grew up without a dad. He was a Bar Fly. Every night you would find him at the bottom of a local wineglass. He was a happy drunk though, he never abused mum or any of the kids. Then one night after too much Shiraz he got caught in a web on the way home. Flying under the influence cost him his life. If only he had walked home.

Mum did her best but after a near fatal swotting incident she lost the use of two legs and a wing. She spends most days watching re-runs of The Houseflies of Beverley Hills, envious of their coloured contacts and wing implants.

Bluebottles moved into the neighbourhood, home invasions became commonplace as they used their bully tactics to dominate good food sources. Bloody gangs.

Selling their sugar on bench corners, cut with God knows what. Shaking little school kids down for their lunch.

And what does the Beehive do? Bugger all. All spin and no sting. Too busy in bed with the cockroaches and spiders to care about the common fly.

My older brother stepped up, tried to be the man of the house. Joined the army. He was serving a tour of duty in The Dining Room when there was a blitz attack, one of those timed release devices. He tried to hold his breath and fly to safety but ingested a small quantity which caused brain damage. He was honourably discharged and sent home with a few ration packs.

I work at the local school as a teachers aide to the horse fly. It's a risky job, they have a nasty bite and the pay is crap but the union is pushing for protective uniforms on the grounds of health and safety. I've put in for a transfer to maggots but I'm not holding out much hope.

Jobs are getting harder to find, with all these exotic fruit fly seeking assylum or being smuggled into the country. Stealing our jobs and threatening our food supply.

This is just a snippet of my life but I'm hoping you'll see that our problems are not dissimilar.

Look upon us as filth if you must but remember, we don't seek to be anything like you, where as you would sell your souls to have our ability to fly and so ... just maybe you're not as superior as you think.

-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Whanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly, but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever. Email at investik8@gmail.com