I pictured a large holiday complex, as I enjoy the company of others. Somewhere that could offer me a package deal of sorts and a way to escape the pressures and stress of my sorry existence in the real world.
My all-inclusive respite came with room and all meals and refreshments provided. There was a daily laundry service and I was highly impressed with the in-house medical facilities that included the services of both a doctor and a nurse, at no extra charge. Yep, free health care that actually is really free.
It didn't stop there though. Oh no, upon further questioning, the smartly dressed staff informed me that if I required medication, dental treatment, prescription glasses or, God forbid, an operation, the resort would foot the bill for all that too, including counselling. Even your spiritual needs are met.
I was tempted to ask for a drug test at this stage, fearing I had accidentally been fed magic mushrooms at the lunch buffet.
Totally free, not just subsidised, but free full health care cover ... no wonder the place was packed.
The resort also boasted a well-stocked library, inside gym as well as an outdoor exercise and recreation area. There was a common room with pool tables, games and television and areas for mixing and mingling in the evening. Even a gift shop.
The restaurant may not have won any awards but it gave me three perfectly edible buffet-style meals a day, which is two more than my budget at home allows for. Imagine my surprise when dessert was also included in the deal. I thought I had found paradise.
The grounds were spacious and the security was state of the art. They even permitted family and friends to call in for a visit, you just had to leave their names at the front desk and upon arrival an ever-efficient staff member would be dispensed to locate you and advise you of your guests arrival.
Unfortunately, there was no turn-down service in the evening and no nightly mint on the pillow but the complimentary wake-up call each morning was a nice touch.
If you ever needed to leave the resort for any reason you were chauffeur driven to and from your destination, again at no extra charge. OMG, I want to move in here. Free travel. No more petrol costs, WOFs or regos. You gotta be kidding.
And while you enjoy your stay you do so safe in the knowledge that it's not you paying for the all the power and hot water you use. A cost that any beneficiary or low income worker constantly struggles with. Free use of a landline phone, another luxury for many.
Although I only went there in my mind, the fact is such a place does exist and it offers even more than I have mentioned above. It's called prison and right now, it's calling my name. It would provide me with everything I need and more with no financial pressure or stress.
Struggling to make ends meet, like thousands of others, and with absolutely no discretionary income, I am basically imprisoned by poverty, anyway. I don't have the freedom or money to go out, take a drive or meet a friend for coffee, let alone have all my health needs met.
Sure, WINZ can advance me money that I will pay back, giving me even less each week to live on. Live. I use that term loosely. I exist. It may be a pittance but even inmates get a small discretionary income.
What does it say about our society when an educated, intelligent and questionably sane human being is considering committing a crime that comes with a prison sentence in order to have a better quality of life.
And what does it say about the screwed up value system that governments place upon their citizens?
So, if you're looking for a prison pen pal or would like to offer your feedback please email me: investik8@gmail.com
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever.
