Kate Stewart: Extreme coddling is exciting as it gets here

We brag about being an adventurous country but we're really a Nanny State, writes Kate Stewart. PHOTO/TIFFANY NORTH

I ventured into my back yard yesterday with the intention of having a conversation with my plum tree but fears of being spotted by covert drones and hidden cameras got the better of me.

I was freaking out that I may be charged with some offence, like conspiring with the enemy, which trees clearly are now.

Climbing a tree and skinning a knee are almost a rite of passage for just about every kiwi kid.

In this online world schools are the the one remaining place where an outside experience is possible. Kids are openly encouraged to disconnect from social media and reconnect with real friends, fresh air and daylight on the playground.

Now, it seems, we no longer have permission to have accidents, at least where trees are concerned.

With youth suicides at an all-time high, kids being beaten to death almost daily in their own homes and crippled on rugby fields the country over, you would think the government would have better things to do with its time and power.

Make no mistake, the tree is just the beginning.

The Government won't rest until sandpits are sanitised with an artificial eco-friendly version. Jungle gyms will require foot-thick safety matting, Kids will be required to wear harnesses and helmets and playgrounds in general will need to employ state-approved "yard guards" to patrol the area.

The phenomenon will then spread from schools to public parks and reserves and soon even tree huggers will need to sign liability waivers, accepting responsibility for bark scrapes and sap stains on clothing.

The message is clear. Yes, accidents happen, but please have the common decency to have them on your own time and preferably in your own home.

Everything iconically kiwi will be under attack. Driving in jandals will be forbidden, back yard pools will resemble prisons and pavs will be subject to a $10 fat tax and you'll need council clearance to ensure the egg whites are properly cooked.

For those fortunate enough to own the quarter acre dream, now is a great time to invest in a sheep and get spinning.

I am predicting a huge demand for homespun cotton wool, aka pussy packing. First on the bandwagon will have the potential to make a small bloody fortune.

For a country that sells itself as an extreme adventure destination, how ridiculous is it that we ban our own kids from climbing a frigging tree.

The kiwi is flightless by design. We, however, are flightless by force. Our wings are being constantly clipped without our consent. We need to take back some control.

If this sort of madness continues we will go from being proud, adventure-loving kiwis to a bunch of securely wrapped sitting ducks and, worse yet, no end to the hunting season.

The country may be run by a bunch of stupid goats but I don't recall voting for a Nanny State. I'd love to hear your views, email me anytime: investik8@gmail.com

-Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother of three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.