Kate Stewart
I don't know about you but I am positively drunk on the number of news stories that involve alcohol.
The tragic death of a teenager due to binge drinking and another hospitalised. A local drink driver with more than 10 previous convictions for the same offence and now our notorious reputation for binge drinking has gone global, impacting those travelling abroad.
It's shameful.
Our drinking culture is a serious issue and using humour to draw attention to it may seem tasteless to some but I intend to do just that. Let's face it, the millions of dollars spent on ad campaigns and the serious approach adopted thus far clearly haven't worked.
If anything, the problem is getting worse and the victims are getting younger.
Humour can be a useful tool to highlight such seriousness because it's non-judgemental and inclusive without being threatening and lecture-like.
So, I was thinking of starting a website: the blottogrotto.com. Where we anticipate your every need because you're too sh*t-faced and stupid to do it yourself.
My signature item will be the Big Kiwi Binge Bag, containing everything you need to get absolutely legless.
The bag will naturally contain ridiculous amounts of your preferred poison, plastic cups, a detailed, excessive drinking schedule and a stopwatch/timer/counter to ensure your binging remains on target.
It will also come in handy for those inane, childish drinking games where you think you are impressing others but are actually making a complete tit of yourself. Non-bingers are cringing with embarrassment for you, trust me. There will be pimple cream for your bum, so your bot will be spotless before you inevitably moon everyone. The bag will also include some helpful hints on projectile vomiting, mouthwash, breath mints and facial wipes.
For those who haven't binged enough to be sick, fear not, I've produced my own tasty, non-toxic, artificial spew, complete with authentic carrot chunks. As they say ... fake it till you make it. All bags come with a prepaid taxi voucher to get you home safe and a card for emergency contact details.
Our deluxe bag features all the above plus a prepaid ambulance voucher to get you to your stomach pumping and rehydration procedures in a timely fashion. Also included will be a pair of incontinent pants to spare you the familiar public humiliation of visibly wetting and/or soiling yourself and a bottle of pretend replacement brain cells so you can continue on with the delusion that you're not harming yourself.
Order your Big Kiwi Binge Bag today and get free delivery, plus a free gift ... a self-inflating pillow for a better night's sleep, when you wake to find yourself passed out God knows where. Please note that all items are plastic-coated for optimal vomit resistance and easy cleaning.
This month only, we are also offering half-price Will Kits, worth considering should you join the growing trend of those drinking themselves to death.
Please share this article. I'm all for a good night out but not when it ends in lights out. Nothing kills the party vibe like a dead drunk. Our sick drinking culture needs to be discarded along with last night's empties. Your sobering thoughts are welcome: investik8@gmail.com
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist who does not suffer fools but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever.