John Watson: When your Aunt Lucy comes to visit

ITALIAN JOB: No nudes was good news for Iran's president Hassan Rouhani.PHOTO/AP

HOSPITALITY has always been at the heart of civilisation and by covering their statues to welcome President Rouhani of Iran, the Italians have truly set a new benchmark.

No matter that, as a sophisticated diplomat, President Rouhani was hardly likely to take offence; no matter that he holds a PhD from Glasgow Caledonian University and that there are more shocking sights on the Glasgow streets on a Friday night than nude statues. It is flattery and not concerns about guests being offended, which lies at the heart of this game - and in flattery, symbolism is everything.

This sort of thing is not new ... you will see it in British homes up and down the land. Suppose Aunt Lucy is to pay you a visit. Not any Aunt Lucy but one of those special elderly aunts who absolutely rolls in cash but has no one in particular to leave it to. She is also a teetotaller and the last word in low church piety. Now your house has little of piety about it - there are doubtful DVDs in a stack, Fifty Shades of Grey lurks on the coffee table, a selection of your favourite whiskies populates the sideboard, and there is a poster of that girl in the loo.

Aunt Lucy doesn't visit often - rather like Iranian presidents, in fact - and she is your only aunt so, of course, you want to make her comfortable.

What does she see when she enters the living room? A pile of sexy DVDs? Dear me, no - they have been replaced with Best Dirges from the Lower Churches and Fun With Psalms. There is no sign of Fifty Shades of Grey, either. Just a study or two on the missionary work of prominent Quakers and, of course, the Presbyterian Book of Approved Jokes - and the poster on the loo wall is now from a missionary society. The range of fruit juices which now adorn the sideboard is the only touch of the exotic in an otherwise serious and understated room, and your teenage son is for once out of his bedroom. It is only his obvious affection for his great-aunt that can pull him away from the comparison between the four gospels which he has been writing, up there on his computer. And the upshot of it all? Is Aunt Lucy fooled for a moment? No, of course she's isn't ... not for a moment. Still, she will be a little pleased - due obeisance has been paid and, being an old lady who likes a good joke, she probably enjoyed watching your son wondering which side to take when asked whether he supported disestablishment.

There you are ... we all do it. It is just that the Italians, their political antennae tuned by Machiavelli, have become particularly adept. For President Rouhani, the whole thing must be gratifying. He has the reputation of being a pleasant and modest man and I am sure he has a sense of humour.

Still, he would hardly be human if he didn't wonder to himself just what the Italians would do to get him on side. Suppose he let slip that the Prophet detested pizza, for example. Would they close all pizza shops in Rome for a day? What if he mentioned that he was nostalgic for his days in Glasgow? Would the pizza shops be forced to sell deep-fried Mars Bars and would the carabinieri lie down in the streets with blood on their faces and an artistic display of beer cans spread around them?

As President Rouhani works his way through state visits to various European powers, this type of flattery may well become the norm.

Countries in a sufficiently powerful position would not make gestures at all. That would symbolise their strength. Others would bluff and try to cow the opposition by retaining their natural character. The most embarrassing meetings, however, would be between those who were both hoping to pay a surprise compliment, and we may yet see a meeting between Italians in long white robes and Iranians in slick Italian suits.

-John Watson is the editor of the UK weekly online magazine The Shaw Sheet - www.shawsheet.com - where he writes as "Chin Chin".