Job cuts and benefits hard boiled reality

Chicken Licken was standing by her henhouse reading her mail. There was a letter from her employers, a shell company called Egg and Yoke Ltd. With trembling wings she opened it. As she feared, it was notice that her job as principal egg layer was to go. The letter said the company was sorry but they had counted too many of their eggs before they hatched. She could request a transfer to Sunday roast duties - whatever that meant.

There had been talk of cost cutting around the henhouse. Just the other day the rooster had been made into a feather duster. His strutting and crowing was no longer required. This job would now be done by an alarm clock.

Chicken Licken's usually buoyant red comb drooped. What would she do? The henhouse was meant to be her nest egg but now it would never hatch. She decided to go and tell Mr Key.

She went to see her local elected representative. "You must help me. Unemployment is rising and the number of jobs is falling - we must go and tell Mr Key." The local representative cried foul but said nothing could be done. This was a policy matter and, therefore, out of his hands. He suggested she stop brooding and look for other employment. She wept into her wings and sobbed: "There are no jobs for an egg-laying single fowl like me - what will I do?"

Next she went to see the Head Chook at Treasury. The Head Chook was always counting her chickens before they hatched and would know what to do. Chicken Licken was ushered into a huge luxury nesting box by a small bantam. "Head Chook - you must help me," she cried."Unemployment is rising and the number of jobs is falling. We need to go and tell Mr Key".

The Head Chook looked sternly at Chicken Licken. "Stop complaining. My office has cut costs by collecting loose feathers and commissioning a designer hen to making them into pillows. You are perched on one now. The people at Trade and Foreign Affairs have been told they will need pets to console them when they lose their jobs so there is an opening for you right there."

Chicken Licken realised the Treasury person had no idea what it was like to lose a job after years of laying eggs for poultry sums. She did not even ask Head Chook to go with her to see Mr Key.

Chicken Licken went across the road to the big chook house called parliament to see Mr Key. "Mr Key, Mr Key - unemployment is rising and the number of jobs is falling. What will you do?"

Mr Key was smiling but in a thoughtful way. "Jobs must go to cut costs. Back rooms jobs such as egg-laying will be replaced by electronic eggheads that know when to lay and when they will be laid off."

"But what will happen to all those who rely on my eggs to make a living?" asked Chicken Licken. "Cooks will lose their jobs, cafes and restaurants will close and there will even more unemployed people living on benefits. Surely it is cheaper to pay people to work than it is to pay them a benefit?"

"Ahh," said Mr Key "That is the kind of thing a chook would say. We are planning to sell state assets to pay the benefits to the thousands of unemployed we have created by cutting jobs which is much cleverer don't you think?"

Chicken Licken left parliament feeling that despite all her efforts life was indeed like a chicken run - short and shitty.

Terry Sarten lives in Whanganui and describes himself as a fiscal rooster. Email:tgs@inspire.net.nz