Jay Rerekura: Kei te pehea koe? The everyday question I'm trying to answer more honestly

Why aren't we honest with people about how we're doing, asks Jay Rerekura. Photo / Supplied

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"How are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, good, good. How are you?"

"Oh you know, can't complain."

Sound like a typical conversation starter to you?? As a tāne (man), as a partner, as a parent, as a member of my whānau and community and as someone who cares about people, this is a real common start to conversations that I have every day.

I feel like one of those internet bots sometimes. Someone engages me and automatically the script plays out and I forget what I've said or even what they've said. How rude of me.

And you know what? Sometimes I'm not "good, good". Sometimes I'm "so, so" or "tired, tired".

Some days I feel burnt out or just "meh". Other days I'm really excited and ready to rock.

And I think I would love to say how I really feel but I also feel very time-poor and that I don't want to use up time or take up space for other people to talk through how I'm feeling... so I just don't.

I don't know how common this is and I want to practice being better at not operating on autopilot in certain situations.

I don't know how many other people feel this way either. Maybe it's just me? Or maybe there are others of my kind.

I don't know because I never take the time to have the conversation. Or at least when I do, it's very few and far between.

I figured something out about myself while trudging down this line of thought. I'm a preacher (no offence to actual preachers, but you catch my drift).

In my work life and life in general, my kōrero is usually, "Talk about your feelings. Be vulnerable. A problem shared is a problem halved..."

But then I go off on my merry way and do the exact opposite. "Practice what you preach", Jay!

I try to, but it's always a struggle. I mean, I have certain forums or circles where we agree that we should share our thoughts and our feelings and it's great.

It's fulfilling and meaningful and I always feel lighter having done so.

But just in regular everyday life, I find it challenging. Challenging because I live in a world or amongst people who have had it conditioned into them to not show weakness, to harden up and to make fun of people who are sooks... and shockingly enough, to call out that sookiness.

So yeah, I'm doing what I can to practice being more vulnerable and to feel my emotions and to connect with my wairua outside of where it feels comfortable to do so.

It's not easy. I struggle with it and it challenges how I have been conditioned, which is central to who I am.

It challenges my anxieties and my own self-image. But what lies in wait on the other side of fear and challenge, right?

Liberation from that fear, and growth, and development through that challenge.

I'd love to encourage you to embrace that same challenge... if it is even a challenge for you. Maybe it isn't.

If it isn't, maybe join me in challenging others to take it on?

One of my favourite whakataukī goes... well, exactly like this.

"Ko au te taupā kīhai i puawai aku moemoea."

I am the only obstacle to the fruition of my dreams. I am the only one that can stop me from achieving that which I have set for myself.

I am the very challenge to complete any other challenges in front of me.

Which kind of goes hand in hand with another favourite quote which, remarkably, only contains two-letter words.

"If it is to be, it is up to me."

So here's the challenge. Talk about how you're feeling. When someone asks you, "Kei te pehea koe?". Tell them.

Normalise actually answering that question openly and honestly.

Kei te pehea koe? How are you?